December 27, 2006

I like to steal things. Big things, little things.

I’ve always been this way. Even as a small child all I could think about was stealing things. As a matter of fact, being a compulsive kleptomaniac is an inherent part of my nature.

I believe G-d should accept me just as I am. One of His thieving children.

Anyone who would tell me my behaviour is unacceptable, inappropriate and, dare I say it, SINFUL!! is simply being judgmental and not loving at all. Not even one little bit. If you could just learn how a loving G-d is pleased. He sees my life as it is. He knows I try hard and I have my life in moderately good order. Well, except for this small detail which really doesn’t effect anyone but me. Not much. And the people who have a problem with me are hypocrites anyway, so who cares. Besides, no one is perfect.

I mean, people really aren’t effected by my choice of behavior are they? It’s not like taking a shirt from the store harms them physically. In fact, they should recognize my inherent value and be thrilled at the privilege they have to be a part of my self-expression.

You can’t throw Bible verses at me saying stealing is wrong. It’s not like I have a choice. This is the way I am. I don’t have a problem with it so you shouldn’t have a problem with it. Besides, G-d isn’t really talking about “stealing”. He’s talking about violent aggression which hurts people. I don’t hurt anyone. In fact, I don’t take from anyone who can’t afford to share with me. I live in harmony with everyone. No one really owns anything. It’s all semantics. We should just love each other.

In fact, I believe the term “thief” is derogatory and doesn’t express my heart in a positive light. I believe I shall call myself an “emancipator”.

If you call me a thief or try to show me how my lifestyle is a problem, then you just don’t understand me and worse, you are probably a closet emancipator yourself.

See, the problem is that you are just jealous of my freedom. I have been liberated from the archaic societal norm which says the emancipation of goods is wrong. There is no wrong, there is only better and best.

It is best to allow me to behave, to live, to exist in this way. It brings me joy and completion. I am fulfilled by this complete acquiescence to the to my own desires.

It’s just who I am. And I refuse to apologize for the way G-d made me. And you are just a hater. A hater of anyone who doesn’t fit into your little box. And I won’t let your narrow minded view of spirituality cloud the crystalline peaks of joy that surround me when I live according to my true self.

*Satire ends*

Made my brain hurt writing it.

  • Erik

    You musta been over at my blog… (o=

  • Erik

    If you call me a thief or try to show me how my lifestyle is a problem, then you just don’t understand me and worse, you are probably a closet emancipator yourself.

    Don’t forget all the self-hating that goes on that causes people to hate others who are okay with their emancipatorness.

  • heidi

    Oh my gosh, Erik, where the hell did they come from???

    I really enjoyed your post and the grace of G-d that you presented. I think it’s one of the better approaches to the event that I’ve heard. But after wading through “free to be me-ville” I was too irritated to do anything but come back and write this.

    At least I was laughing by the end.

    C’mon, “crystalline peaks of joy”? that’s golden.

  • Erik

    My post got picked up by Yahoo AND Topix. Imagine my surprise when I get up and by 6AM I already have 120 hits! I dont know how yahoo showed my link, but Topix just showed it as “New Life Church Scandal” and it was pulled up on a large number of gay webpages (homepages I think?)

    Anyways, I absolutely love your satire. I am going to steal a piece of it to post in the comments. If you want credit just let me know. I don’t know if you want people coming over here.

  • heidi

    Have at it. I suppose if I were afraid of the responses, I wouldn’t have written it in a public setting. 🙂

  • Roci

    Nice satire.

    Hail to the great material emancepatress.

  • MikeT

    That was a good satire piece! Still, you know how people are going to respond. “Homosexuality is NOT AT ALL LIKE STEALING!” Stuff like that. A post of mine that is a bit related. If you want to really have some fun with people, rewrite this with murder or child molestation as the sin instead 😀

    You’re absolutely dead on with this, in fact I think this summarizes most secularists I have seen writing on morality to a T.

  • Difster

    Satire is a dying art it seems. 🙂

    I actually thought you were leading toward something to do with illegal aliens thinking they have a right to be here. 🙂

    Also, I’m shamelessly promoting my blog today …

    I’m taking nominations for best and worst of 2006 in whatever categories you want to name. Leave your entry in the comments. I’ll post the results on New Year’s Day.

  • farmer Tom

    Heard my favorite talk radio host do a similar rant one time, except instead of stealing he used “nosepicking”. It was so funny I about drove off the road. The farm radio host that came on after him made nose picking jokes for the next hour and a half. It was very entertaining stuff, while at the same time illustrating the absolute foolishness of the position those who would call evil good put themselves in.

  • Triton

    Good stuff, Heidi. For me, my weakness is killin’. I just can’t get enough. Slice ’em, dice ’em, roto-till ’em… You just can’t ask for a more permanent solution to life’s problems.

    It’s okay, though, ’cause I only kill folks I don’t like. And I wouldn’t not like them if I didn’t have a good reason. So it’s all legit.


    Yeah, that’s fun. 🙂