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February 8, 2007

How important am I?

This is a question I’ve been contemplating for a few days. No, this isn’t a plea for affirmation. Yes, this is a serious question.

I am irreplaceable to my husband and children. The role I play could be filled by another but not as I do. They are a gift to me as I am a gift to them. On most days we treasure each other. On the off days we pummel each other with sticks and flick boogers in the general direction of the person who is pissing us off.

I have a few friends who find me valuable. Of course, I speak only of the one’s who really know me. Not the acquaintances who only value what I do for them or how I influence/effect their lives.

Any and all of the people in my life could continue to exist without my input, my presence and my assistance. I sincerely hope no one would be permanently devastated by my absence.

My husband and I have had a long running conversation which is revisited from time to time.

In the event of my untimely demise I have made it very clear I don’t wish for my children to be raised without a mother or my husband live the rest of his life without a companion. He’s quite a catch and I don’t see him being single long.

That makes me happy.

I believe this attitude drives a great deal of my interaction with others. How? Excellent question!

My opinions are secondary to the truth I know. Not the truth I’m sorta conscious of, but the truths I know down to the end of my pinkie toe. Who is G-d to me? Why do I care so deeply about how I represent Him? What does it mean to follow Him faithfully and serve His people with integrity and without compromise?

This attitude is what causes me to disregard my own personal feelings about a great number of issues and hold tightly to the unchanging, unswerving foundation of G-d’s faithfulness and goodness. No matter what.

See, if I die tonight in my luxurious king size bed under my lovely down comforter and next to my gorgeous and brilliant husband it really doesn’t matter if I made you giggle, cry or throw things.

What matters is whether or not anything I’ve done in my life brought you closer to G-d. Have you been shown a glimpse into the heart of Yeshua? Is the Word more alive now than it was before? Did we learn to live righteously together or did we devolve into cat calls and petty arguments of who is right and who is stupid?

So, how important am I?

I am clay. Molded into an image of the triune G-d, infused with His breath and filled with His Spirit. I am flawed, broken and constantly in need of refinement. I hope to be a vessel used for common purposes simply because it is the cry of my heart to be useful and not set on a shelf where no one can see the One who made me through the work of His hands as He re-shapes me. Bedpans for Jesus? Even then! Better than being idle!

I am as inconsequential as the petty thoughts, immaturity and disobedience hiding themselves so carefully in the folds of my self-esteem and pride. I am as meaningless as one more cluster of atoms when I refuse to submit to the One who knows me best and constantly directs me toward the goal for which I was created.

My importance is directly related to the eternal significance I place on each person G-d places in my life and how I do or do not love them.

Life is full of powerful imagery and one of the most influential of the senses is smell. We leave the fragrance of our soul wherever we go.

I want to smell of sandalwood and cedar. Cinnamon and cloves. Rain and fresh cut grass.

I hate it when I smell like trash.