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February 13, 2007

What I am “feeling” and what I should write are often two very disparate things. At moments like this I wonder if I am ever so slightly schizophrenic.

I walk in strength and then, as I view the day retrospectively, I want to crawl into a hole. Is that normal?

I am not afraid of failure as much as I am intimidated by success. Why is that? Do I settle for failure when perhaps I ought to be striving for the nearest possible achievement?

I have found I walk carelessly on a fine line between honest evaluation and self-deprecation. Many times I find myself looking too harshly at myself and forgetting the reality of G-d’s grace. I place a standard beyond my ability to attain nadthen despise my own inability to take the high ground. I know this about myself. In moments of clarity and relative objectivity I can see it.

Unfortunately those moments are far and few between. Many times the brilliant smile is more an act of faith than the project at hand. Can you relate?

Should we be more unified in our weakness than in our strength? Is that wrong?

Is it possible this familial right to support and care within the Body is something we have abandoned in our Western stoicism? A cultural identity denying the need for anyone else to hold our arms upright when we are no longer able. If I am too weak then I deserve to fall behind and be left for the wolves who trail behind looking for those they can victimize. Ever tell yourself that, even in not so many words?

Ahh, a weak moment. I’m physically tired, emotionally turbulent and spiritually hollow. But G-d…

He never changes. He was good yesterday, carried me today and will lead me tomorrow. I will choose to believe that tonight. While I “feel dark” and when what I know to be true is very different from the lies of my flesh.