It’s been a helluva week or two. I cannot even begin to tell you how insanely busy I’ve been. Up at 5:30, to bed at midnight or later and every day feels like one more day on the hamster wheel.
And it’s not slowing down for a few more weeks.
I’m compelled to keep moving. To keep doing. To keep thinking. And. And. And…
G0d is requiring change in my heart. I can feel it, I can see the need for it. And I am taking baby steps to obey. Even though all I really want to do is stick my head in the sand and pretend I can’t hear Him.
Still. A baby step toward obedience is the right step. No matter how hard it is, right?
This last spring wasn’t pretty for me. There were a lot of questions for G0d, a lot of shouting at blank walls and scrambling for answers that didn’t make themselves readily apparent.
Or ever show up.
Have you ever considered how completely insignificant you are? A breath in, then… Nothing. And you’re gone. And there are those to whom you are necessary and those to whom you think you are important but, well, you really aren’t.
And how do you tell the difference?
No. I’m not wafting into maudlin.
This is the reality. It’s important to recognize the people who matter and the ones who don’t. The moments of clarity should define us and the moments of confusion shouldn’t but do anyway.
A man who showed love to me in a way that I had never experienced before died yesterday.
Back in the early days of faith he was so kind to me. I was accepted by him. I felt valuable when he spoke to me. In those early days. Before I knew that was the way he spoke to everyone. Before I caught a glimpse of the gut-wrenching pain he struggled with every day.
No matter where he went, or how far he wandered from that upstairs office with the cheap furniture next to the lounge by the boys dorm he will always be, to me, someone who loved me.
In most Christian circles and on many blogs I frequent he would be a despicable man. He left his family, abandoned his children, fell into deep, dark unspeakable sin. He became a face of a movement that I was no longer able to despise from afar. From the comfort of being surrounded by people who thought and looked and believed just like me. And while I was saddened by his choices and confused by the emptiness he left…
When I saw him again. And he smiled at me, hugged me and kissed my cheek. I knew that he still possessed that love. That brilliant, beautiful love. Even though now I could see that it was refracted through such a broken and fractured lens.
Honestly, I relate better to that than I did the other. When he defended me when no one would. When he believed me when no one else did.
I wear a silver bracelet on my right wrist, it has that quote from Hamlet on it, “To thine own self be true.”
I often think of Rene when I wear it.
And I wonder how different it all could have been if, instead of the right to “personal” expression, there would have been a more clear and true understanding that his life was not his own. We have all been bought with a price. To be true to myself, as a child of God, I must always be true to His Word, His truth and His righteousness.
Rene passed into eternity yesterday morning. I’ll find out where his choices led him when I get there.
I’ve missed him for years.