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March 8, 2007

Ten Ways to Be A Terrible Wife

I’m sure there are more than 10, but it’s been a busy morning and I thought I could quickly come up with 10.

1. Always have a “headache”, he’ll quit asking and you’ll wonder why he’s not interested any more.

2. List his faults and flaws in front of the children. It’ll make for a great show, your kids will learn to despise him and when they grow up to be teens who hate authority you can wonder why.

3. Make fun of him in front of your friends. Everyone will laugh, albeit somewhat uncomfortably and when he won’t go anymore you can turn it into “you just don’t appreciate the kind of people I need in my life.” which will turn into a rousing bitchfest as mentioned in #2 and possibly culminate in #1 .

4. Get him stupid gifts for his birthday and other holidays. Pay no attention to the activities he enjoys and his personal interests. How could he not LOVE the golf tie/extra socks/aftershave you picked up at Walmart? He must be ungrateful. More ammo for #2.

5. Let yourself go. Don’t exercise or bother with showering regularly, oral hygiene and skin care. This will completely take care of the need for the “headache” and will give you more free time for your own needs. Also gives you something to complain about when your clothes don’t fit any more and you can be angry at him for not saying anything when you cry, “I’m so fat!”

6. Complain about the kids, their needs, your friends needs and how much you hate the house/car you have on Date Night. Eventually he’ll stop being available for Date Night and will just run and hide in the garage/office/golf course instead of spending time with you.

7. When you spend too much money and the accounts go overdraft turn the conversation around to how much he sucks as a provider. Deflect at all costs any implication that you might have been out of control and spent too much.

8. Make all the decisions. Then blame him for the ones that blow up in your face. This allows for some great conversation re: #3 and excuses your behavior in #4. You have the side benefit of seeing him shrivel up into a shadow of the man he used to be.

9. Talk on the phone all day to your mom/sister/friend/kids. You’ll be so emotionally exhausted by the end of the day you’ll be happy for #6.

10. Reminisce about old boyfriends, lust over movie stars and the guy at the grocery store. Men absolutely love to be negatively compared to rose colored memories, airbrushed, botoxed egomaniacs and some schlep in an apron who polishes apples for a living.

We can chuckle about this a little, but how much of this is true? Maybe I’ll write a companion post about 10 ways to be a good wife…. that would be more conjecture than actual application since I will say I am far from a great wife. He’s just luckier than most! 😉