I have looked at somethings in life with hope, reconciled my unmet expectation and grieved the difference between those things and what is.
Somehow, I am living with the differences.
I would like one more visit with my parents where Dad remembers me both during the visit and beyond. Where he doesn’t look like a frightened child. It won’t happen.
But I’d like it.
I would like one more big sing-along around the piano while mom plays in her wonky rhythm and 4 part harmony erupts spontaneously.
That won’t happen either.
I’d like to recapture so many moments I took for granted.
It is not regret I feel but a sense of loss for what was not appreciated.
Today I am thankful for the gift of honesty and compassion I shared with my brother a few days ago and the glint of hope as I dare to think that might be the start of something more than what has been.
I am thankful for my 5’8″ son, who at 13 curls up next to me on the couch and lets me rest my head on his shoulder while we talk about life.
There is an ebb and flow to life that washes us, scours our hearts and leaves us gasping for a breath on the other side. A tsunami of moments leaving us forever changed in its wake.
But more often, we are surprised by the effect of a steady rain that erodes the lives we thought we had and leaves us, instead, with a memory of what once stood and the realization of this constant of change.