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June 4, 2007
Putting the Shoe on the Other Foot

Now that I’ve offended everyone who sends their children to public school I thought I should offend everyone who homeschools. I do like to be fair although I am quite sarcastic. What can I say, it’s a gift! 🙂

I am not a fan of Sally Ann Average homeschool mom as she wanders in with her denim jumper and blatantly disregards all but her precious little darlings. She shows up late to everything, criticizes everyone and lets her progeny do “whatever they want” since their Delight directed education style has opened the door to life led by rugrats. Her children are dirty and always unkept. Their complete lack of social skills is touted as individuality and independence. My request for quiet and respect are viewed as judgmental and harsh.

Hell, she’s at MY HOUSE! I thought I could make such a request and it would be fine. Apparently not. And don’t even get me started on the lady who THREW my cat across the room!

When Bobby punches my son in the nose it must have been because I don’t spend 5 hours a day crafting the Word of G-d into our scrapbook. When my son doesn’t meet the standard of hers I am obviously “not serious” about educating my children. When my children wear name brands and clothes that fit I’m materialistic and confining them to a societal pressure to impress others.

Sally Ann is the scourge of every children’s program imaginable. She must be involved in everything that her children are in and thusly decides she should be the Sunday School teacher, Children’s church coordinator and Youth leader. Because no one EVER can speak into her child’s life the way she should.

The TV in my living room is a blatant sin and the HORRAH of it all when she realizes my children play *shhhh* video games that aren’t educational.

Don’t even get me started on the Homeschooler Meetings.

I won’t go. Now. I used to go. I show up in blue jeans, red striped hair, lipstick and jewelry. While I am never the thinnest woman in the room, not by a long shot, I am assuredly not the heaviest. 9 times out of 10 I am the only with painted toenails and eyeliner… Obviously I’m a carnal Christian who is both vain and shallow.

To make matters worse I don’t give a rat’s ass about scrapbooking, needlepoint, Civil war balls or discussing every curriculum known to man. I’m not up on the latest lingo or “teaching styles”. I don’t write my own curriculum using quill pins and ink we made from dryer lint and june bug guts.

Obviously I don’t fit in. To add insult to injury there is nothing like showing up at a meeting where the very aroma of my perfume is an affront to her organically enhanced olfactory senses. And folks, I wear Chanel. None of that Walmart toilet water for me. (caveat to Birdie who truly does suffer from sensory issues, I would wear only spring water and daisy chains should we perchance get a chance to meet! 🙂 Um.. And clothes…)

Jason, Knightshadow, Peanut ya’ll know me. Am I unfriendly? Am I difficult to engage? Am I boring? Tedious? Elitist or Superior? Do I smell bad? (don’t answer that) Am I weird? Are my kids freaks???

We. Don’t. Fit. In.

Sums it up.

There are those who choose to home educate and there are Home Schoolers.

I apologize to any of you who home educate and may have taken affront at my remarks. I only intended to smartly reprimand any of you who might just be Home Schoolers.

So.

Let the stoning begin.