June 26, 2006

I had a grown up moment yesterday.

They hurt, you know. I’m learning to say no to a dream so I can keep my focus on a vision.

That sounds very obscure doesn’t it. But I suppose you can all relate to some extent.

Why does G-d do that? Do you ever truly get a grip on the reality that we are not able to truly make every desire a reality simply because we want it badly enough? Even if/when I do all the right things to deserve it and I am tempted to believe somehow G-d is obligated to fulfill my Wish List.

The process of heart transformation does, indeed, take quite some time doesn’t it? It doesn’t come cheap or easy. But rather through crushing, breaking, molding and cliffs without safety rails.

If the alternative is worldly abundance without spiritual growth I believe I would choose growth. I would like to believe that. I suppose that is why I haven’t been tested in that capacity yet. I can’t say with absolute certainty that I would choose to grow over being, um, lucrative .

Does it show my immaturity to say I wouldn’t be unhappy with both?

The vision looms in the distance and seems so very impossible. The desire is at least somewhat tangible.

But it’s the vision that keeps me awake at night with my heart pounding and my mind racing. It’s the vision that brings me to my knees praying that I would be found faithful and be shown worthy.

The desire is only a thing which satisifies my soul for the moment. Then I fear it would become a burden. It smells sweet but could be bitter. I find it easier to obsess about the personal satisfaction it would bring than to discipline my heart and my life to become ready for the vision.