October 8, 2006

Hi, my name is Heidi and I am an impatient egocentric perfectionist.

Sigh. They say that acknowledging a problem is the first step toward getting help. But do I really want help? I mean, would you be able to help me in a way that I find acceptable? I think I could do it better myself anyway…

It’s not necessarily pride. Not as most commonly defined. Perhaps you find me arrogant. That doesn’t bother me at all. My biggest personal challenge is found in “if it’s not done exactly right, why bother”. Followed closely by, “I can do it better by myself. I don’t need your help.”

The problem with this is a)I find myself frustrated and irritated by less than stellar results b)I freeze up when I am not confident I can perform to the standard I have set for myself.

It’s not easy being an impatient perfectionist. I don’t just want my house tidy, I want sterile floors. If I can’t get that right, why bother even starting? I want to write a song. But I want it polished, graceful, impactful and musically correct. Now.

Ridiculous. That’s how it looks in black and white. There’s no margin of error. Error is failure, failure is bad, bad is unacceptable.

Where is grace? How do I apply it to my life? How do I allow it to be applied to my life? I find it extremely difficult to submit to any lengthy process. I want to understand, excel, apply, succeed the first time.

What is a mixed blessing is that there are many things which I am quite capable of the first or second time. So, I get lazy and expect the same results in every aspect of life. When that doesn’t happen…. Not pretty.

I am a problem solver. Analytical and creative. I believe there is a solution to every situation. I believe that with the proper concentration and intellect, we can fix the problem. I believe I possess both the intellect and the creativity. Not finding a solution can lead to irrational anger and depression.

I believe if you and I want It badly enough we will make it happen. The level of failure or success is directly proportionate to the level of determination and discipline I do or do not have in relation to my goal. I don’t merely not follow through. I fail. By failing, I show I am not committed to the project, the person, the ministry.

So flaws, inconsistencies and indiscretions are not simply “mistakes”, they are a lack of focus. An inability to follow the formula and perform to a necessary standard.

Failure is not external. It is an internal acquiescence to weakness. An exhibition of unsubjugated flesh winning a constant war with a redeemed spirit.

So, when do you suppose I’ll mature to the point of recognizing I’m not a superhero who can do everything perfectly all the time for everyone?

Is everything that I wrote this evening rational? Logical? Absolute truth? Categorically, no. But what we believe and what is true can often be diametrically opposed both in theory and in practice. At least now, I can more clearly understand why I have such a difficult time both listening to and submitting to the leadership and authority of the Lord.

Apparently, I am both foolish enough and arrogant enough to believe that I can do His work in my life by myself.

Sometimes I am such an idiot…