I am the first to admit that I don’t think like any of my friends. I gravitate toward international news sites, prophecy and the etymology of words over royal weddings, E-News and the latest trends in chunky jewelry worn by anorexic starlets.
I was 35 before I realized that a “follow up” phone call after a difficult conversation is not only a good idea but is de riqueur in the minds of most women. I can’t imagine how many friends suffered in silence at the complete absence of social nicety as they worked through their relationship with me.
But just the other night I realized a fatal flaw in my friendships.
I’m too nice.
I’m too honest.
I’m too straightforward in both my speech and my actions.
I’m reliable, dependable and trustworthy.
And it can no longer be tolerated.
In order to win the respect and admiration of my friends I must treat them like shit.
I must disregard their feelings and screen their phone calls, emails and Facebook status updates.Flatter their friends in front of them and mock their new hairstyles and laugh at their children. Perhaps even ridicule their husbands and routinely refuse most invitations, just to keep them guessing.
Then and only then will I be the cool girl that everyone wants to be friends with.