Thoughts | Work In Process

ADD Introspection

October 16, 2009

Sister to Sister…

What is that?

I’m not saying that I don’t get the concept, I’m asking what does it look like in the Body?

What I usually see is the strongest personality directing and influencing, for good or ill, those who are willing to follow.   But the strongest personality isn’t usually the wisest person, the strongest faith, the  most conscientious leader.

Just because you feel that you have something to say doesn’t mean that you should.  Sometimes silence is adamantium.  *gotta love sci-fi references in a “woman” post*

I take it very seriously when someone asks me for my input into their lives.   Much prayer, thought,  consideration, conversation with the inestimable Mr. will go into the concept of “counsel” given to someone.   Beyond the ever present opinion…   But opinions are like nostrils,  everyone has some but nobody should take their content very seriously.

That last bit made me giggle a bit.   Which is good.  I need giggles tonight. 🙂

Anyhow…

I am a firm believer in free will and the ability of an adult to hear the voice of the Lord on their own,  choose to obey, or not to obey and live with the harvest that comes from the choice they freely made.  I only make suggestions.   And I don’t lose sleep if you make a decision that differs from mine.   Unless you are going to jump off a bridge.

That would bother me.

So, I’ve discovered recently that I am in need of some honesty in my self-examination.  And in the interests of exploring vulnerability, I thought I’d open up here a bit.  To you, my faceless blog friends and mostly male audience.   Good grief.  I am a study in the oxymoronic tonight!

It’s very difficult for me to be close to people.   Maybe it’s because I don’t hold tightly to relationships.   I haven’t found many faithful friends or people willing to take the time to chip away at my very competent and self-sufficient exterior.  Perhaps it’s because I don’t always recognize when I have a need.  I don’t see lonely in myself, I see bored or unnecessary.   I don’t see depression, as such, I see exhaustion.  Those are easy fixes.  At least in the immediate sense.  And once the crisis is over I tend to forget easily the circumstances that led me there in the first place.

It’s true that I have a hard time believing the people around me would want to be bothered by the things that concern me.   Most often, when life is overwhelming, I curl up in my house until I get a grip and then I come out when I feel strong enough.  Even my Mr. doesn’t always know exactly what I’m doing or why.  I don’t have the words immediately.

Would that be different if I understood the concept of a sister-friend better?   I have sisters.   Two lovely women full of wisdom and compassion.   Precious women who would be available to me in any way they could if they knew of the need.    I still don’t call very often.   They have their own struggles, why would they want to be bothered with mine?

Is it pride that keeps me silent or fear?   Perhaps a lack of understanding of the human condition and how it applies to myself.

How exactly am I broken?  And are the uniquely flawed aspects of my own condition necessarily wrong?  Perhaps I am just the cracked pot that waters the flowers on the way back to the shed?   Damaged for a purpose.   Tweaked for Jesus.   Yes.  That’s me.

Le sigh- what’s a girl to do?

I have friendships that are immensely satisfying to me.   A couple of safe and sane individuals who love me, accept me, encourage me and slap me around when I need it.  Even when I don’t see it.

I hate classifying people.   Quantifying them into camps of A & B,  good & bad,  Safe & unSafe.   But I know that there is a level of wisdom to discerning the qualities of those around us and only a fool would ignore the potential devastation that comes from ignoring what you see.

My Dad used to say, “Love is blind.  But the neighbors aren’t.”  And I think he meant something more along the lines of necking in public but it seems to apply here.    Overall I believe your Joe/Jane Christian tends to think that the “love covers a multitude of sins” verse is supposed to become the excuse that defends destructive behavior and allows the strongest personality,  the most demanding influence full rein of unbridled passions and selfish behaviors.  We might be blind to our own interpersonal relationships but there are always those around us able to see more clearly than ourselves.  Do we seek their counsel?   Do we realize that we need it?

We don’t know what to do with Matthew 18 and “The wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy.”  It’s outside of our comfort zone and bond our weak spirit.  Besides, for most people, confrontation is EEVVIILLL…. *insert crazy, maniacal laugh here*

ADD introspection.

I know. Bumpy ride.

Welcome to the Heidi Train.

Well, I need to get back to my warm sake, the cashew chicken and hoping the vegetable korma is finally done.  Potatoes and carrots take for freaking ever  to cook!

Have a lurvely weekend.

  • momma dragon

    never a bother…….
    because I love you……..”)

  • Without knowing the details it sounds to me like you actually have a pretty good set up. You’ve got your husband, your siblings, and at least a couple of close friends that will be honest with you. Most importantly, you have a heart to seek your Father’s will.

    My question to you is… do you think your way of dealing with being overwhelmed emotionally is wrong or abnormal? You sound like you think it is. Personally, I think the world would be better off if more people actually took the time to wrestle, one-on-one, with their own emotions. Obviously people can take this too far, but in general, I’d say far more people err on the side of trying to get other people to help them with their emotions rather than learning to master them personally.

    It’s also late, I’m a bit tired, and your post was ADD, so hopefully I didn’t misunderstand the gist of what you were saying!

  • You water my daisies – my little cracked pot. I love the way you do what you do. Enjoyed seeing seasons and growth and sameness. Love your fruit. I think you may have some massive berries growing from the cracks.

  • You are inside my head AGAIN! Stop it! 😉

  • Pebblekeeper… Massive berries in my crack? That sounds terrible! But it is a good thing, right?

    Arielle, I tend to not look outside the immediate for the answers to my own issues. I don’t complain about the stuff that really bothers me. I mean what’s the point, right? But what I am finding is that I tend to enjoy isolation to the point of refusing healthy interaction in favor of more “alone time” which then tends to unbalance my perspective on life and the way I should fit into the Body corporate.

    I don’t intend to cry on anyone’s shoulder or beg for attention simply because I’m having a rough day. I’m a big girl. Most of the time I just need to suck it up. But when the Word tells us to share the burdens of our fellow believer? Something tells me that the living out part includes sharing some of my own. Even when it feels stupid. Or unnecessary. Even the girls closest to me won’t always get the phone call when I am scraping bottom and feeling lost and overwhelmed. Even when I do share it is often in retrospect rather than in seeking immediate counsel.

    Birdie, I figured it was my turn. 🙂

  • I was really just trying to say that I have a suspicion that you may be worrying about this needlessly… but I’ve got fewer years and less ‘life experience’ under my belt so I’m not sure how valid my opinion is on this. It’s a thought-provoking line of questions though, and I think I will have to spend more time mulling it over!

  • Doom

    Is that not why we have a savior, because we are all cracked pots?

    Although two things you said caught my eye and coalesced. That you have more trouble with boredom and the sense of being unnecessary. And then when you suggested your sisters might have their own problems. Would feeling useless be one of their problems too? So going to them in your doubt and exhaustion would be serving them with a new purpose, that of tending or simply listening to you? And, really, open a relationship a bit where your sense of purpose could be more fulfilled with there needs from time to time?

    You do not seem at all in trouble. I have similar thoughts and worries, often enough. I simply think it is normal. And more of a plague when the hands are a bit more idle than I like. It almost seems as though you simply need to be heard. I am not even sure I should offer any advice. Maybe we could call the above an observation rather than advice? Well, have fun with all that anyway. Just thought I would stop in and say hi.

    Hi!

  • I, for one, love the Heidi Train! There is so much I could say, but, it requires tea, coffee, and time:)

  • Heidi, it’s like you’ve been in my head, too. Makes me wonder – do you, Birdie, and I all have the same head? 😛 LOL! I think we share common ground in some of our experiences and the way we’ve reacted to them (for examples, being “burned” by members of the Body, and seeing/having conflicts related to “a personality or personalities” within the Body). I, too, have withdrawn from others to a point that is unhealthy, and it seems to me that the best course is just put out some tendrils into the “sisterhood space” (like here on your blog, or in comments on our [your intrepid readers’] blogs. Because, hey – if we read your blog, it just seems obvious that we care what’s on your mind, ya know?

    Love the adamantium reference, and the “opinions are like nostrils” – you do have such a talent with which to turn a phrase.