Dreams | Thoughts

And then he wasn’t…

November 15, 2008

I met Bane the other night. In a dream. I visit his blog almost every day since… Well, if you know Bane. You know since “when”. I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to meet him, but, oddly enough, I really think I did. I couldn’t tell you what he looked like. Big guy, well, bigger than me. Carefully put together. Not fancy, attentive to detail. I liked him. Of course, I’ve never disliked him.

I know. Cue Twilight Zone music. Whatever. I dreamed this a couple of weeks ago and have wondered whether or not I should share this… Obviously I decided to.

It was a bright, clear morning when he, Nat & Johnny showed up at my doorstep. They had come to pick me up and take me to meet his family. We talked and laughed as we drove over the mountains and to his home. The kids played in the back seat. Her giggles were infectious and Johnny played the perfect straight man for her jokes.

Bane was pale and uncomfortable, in obvious pain, but still remained charming and witty, sarcastic and unpredictable. Sprinkled with innuendo and expletive his “real voice” was just as I imagined it would be from reading what he had written. Although I couldn’t tell you what we talked about the 2 hour drive passed in the blink of an eye.

I walked into his house expecting to feel awkward and clumsy, the way I usually feel in a new environment, but I didn’t. There was a palpable warmth, a tangible connection between the few gathered there that I couldn’t escape. As much as I thought I needed to maintain a polite “reserve”, I both didn’t want to and didn’t feel as though I needed to. Nat & Johnny chased each other around the house and looking over the landing I saw young men and a young woman. I don’t remember faces really and I don’t quite remember how many or of what gender his children are. In my dream these were Bane’s children and they were teasing and laughing in a rough sort of comaraderie.

I noticed a piano and he told me I was welcome to play it but, try as i might, I just couldn’t. He smiled and said, “That’s ok, it’s for Her anyway.” And as he said it, his wife walked in the door and his face lit up. He told me how much he loved her, how beautiful and talented she was and how these people, in this house, were the most important people in the world to him. That they were going to be fine. She smiled contentedly and went off toward the kitchen. I could hear soft singing coming from that direction punctuated by barks of laughter from downstairs. Johnny crawled up on his lap and put his head on Bane’s shoulder.

If I could put a word to the atmosphere of that place it would be peace. Not the “absence of strife” kind of peace, but the kind of peace that settles over you like a thick down comforter on a winter night. The kind of peace that warms you to the core. And a deep undercurrent of joy.

Bane sat in his chair and soaked it all in looking as though he’d aged 10 years since he picked me up that morning. I turned slowly in a circle trying to understand and to brand what I was seeing into my memory. It all seemed Important, even though I couldn’t quite figure it all out.

But when I got back to where I had started, his chair was empty. He was just gone. Johnny was sleeping in the chair alone, curled up where Bane had been.

While it was shocking to not see him where he’d been seconds before the peace and joy continued without even so much as a hiccup. I felt like an intruder and quietly let myself out the front door in the weak Oregon sunlight.

No one noticed me leave but I could hear the sound of their laughter as I walked away.

I woke up then and didn’t talk about this for a few days. It seemed precious. In it’s own odd little way. I have no idea why I would be processing right now. Maybe I’m just more than a little slow on the uptake, maybe it was whisper of comfort from the other side.

The Mr. wondered if the dream was sent to comfort more than just me and recommended that I write it here. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to be a voice of anything. This was an “experience” that was vivid and beyond Real.

Perhaps the telling of it will bless someone else. I hope it doesn’t offend anyone. He was there, he shared the most precious elements of his life with me, reveled in the presence of his children and his wife. He was there. Big as life.

And then he wasn’t.

But it was OK anyhow.

  • Heidi, that was lovely. I’m still so amazed at how his passing has affected so many of us. I have had a few dreams like that in my lifetime, and they are to be treasured. I’m quite sure that yours will be a blessing to others as it seems to have been a blessing for you. It was a confirmation for me.

  • Heidi, that was lovely. I’m still so amazed at how his passing has affected so many of us. I have had a few dreams like that in my lifetime, and they are to be treasured. I’m quite sure that yours will be a blessing to others as it seems to have been a blessing for you. It was a confirmation for me.

  • Thanks for sharing that Heidi. As long as it brought comfort it was a good thing.

    I have no idea how or why that old sod got under my skin, and didn’t even know he had until he did pass away. Even now I still feel sad at his passing. I suspect quite a few people were surprised in the same way as I was.

  • I too miss the big jerk. The world is a little duller and less crusty on the frayed edge without him.

  • I too miss the big jerk. The world is a little duller and less crusty on the frayed edge without him.

  • AJW308

    Although I couldn’t tell you what we talked about the 2 hour drive passed in the blink of an eye.

    Such is the time spent in the company of friends.

    In other untimely deaths, I have personal knowledge of messages from beyond sent to comfort.

    But really, I have to step back and trust God. Still I grieve for Nat and Johnny, having lost their father at such a young age.

  • AJW308

    Although I couldn’t tell you what we talked about the 2 hour drive passed in the blink of an eye.

    Such is the time spent in the company of friends.

    In other untimely deaths, I have personal knowledge of messages from beyond sent to comfort.

    But really, I have to step back and trust God. Still I grieve for Nat and Johnny, having lost their father at such a young age.

  • “Still I grieve for Nat and Johnny, having lost their father at such a young age.”

    I concur. Bane was a lot of things and he got under my skin a number of times. I learned to avoid his site on Fridays. Yet the one thing that always came across was the immense love he had for his family especially for those two youngens. To have their father taken up has got to be hard on the two of them.

    Just had to stop and pray for those two. May they grow up remembering the love their earthly father had for them and come to realize just how much more their heavenly Father loves them.

  • Thanks for sharing that. It makes me feel less…odd.

    I do not doubt that was a communique from him. I have sensed him a time or two since he departed. Rather amazing actually, because my belief has always been that the departed are more or less separated from us for their good and ours. Still, there he’s been on a couple of occasions–reading over my shoulder when at Maiden Magnetic’s site, and one or two other occasions I forget the details of. At least one dream.

  • What a waste of sleep time… But if it brought you comfort, 😉 great!

  • What a waste of sleep time… But if it brought you comfort, 😉 great!

  • Big Cat

    Your post reminded me of a dream I had about Bane a couple years ago. I don’t usually remember dreams but when I do, I really do. In my dream I was at his door unanounced (which anyone who has read Bane would be EXTREMELY reluctant to do) and somehow ended up inside. I introduced myself and we began a very tentative exchange. He was very suspicious and I had no doubt there was a large caliber tucked behind his back which made me cautious but not afraid. He never seemed convinced that I was who I said I was but never asked for ID and didn’t threaten. We talked for a short and since I didn’t have any real “business” he escorted me to the door and made sure I knew that what I had done (visiting unanounced/uninvited) was foolish. When I offered my hand in parting he hesitated but then took it as we examined each others countenance. He seemed satisfied that I had come in friendship as an ally, but did not extend an offer to visit again. I left knowing that he was watching me go. I don’t recall what he looked like nor that of his family, though Mrs. Bane and Nat and Johnny were most certainly there.

    I woke in a state of curious consideration. Not troubled or anxious, just… wondering, “What was that about?”. I never wrote to him about the dream. I too go by his site almost daily and have taken to checking Maiden Magnetic’s blog regularly. I share your conviction Eaglewood and have offered prayers on behalf of his family when led. The void that remains where he once resided seems to have its own gravity and keeps pulling me back, almost like something is unfinished, though I have no idea what that might be. The expression, “…that’s gonna leave a mark” seems to fit Bane’s life. He left a mark a me anyway.