Have you ever sat, with a heart full of thoughts, with a list full of Important Things and with a compulsion to comprehend what it all means so deep that it pulsates past the Important Things, constricts your heart and drives you to write something, anything… As long as it alleviates this pressure, this consternation?
Have you ever? I have. I am.
Friday morning I dreamed of forest fires, loss and taking the step from safety into the unknown in hopes of a brighter future…. I dreamed of finding space I never dreamed could exist in the very place that I live.
Saturday morning I dreamed of walls of water engulfing my childhood home, pouring from the second story windows and sweeping away the memories of generations in the swirling, brown water under purplish skies. And I watched it happen unmoved. While my husband stood by aghast and appalled at both the devastation and my apparent numbness to it. “I had no idea it was this bad!”, he sputtered out in the stillness of my response. And I soberly nodded. And turned away.
This morning I dreamed of an event. An event defined by an endless stream of obligations and programs, of rigorous performances and constant costume changes. I dreamed of friends both new and old who wandered seamlessly through my endless facade changes while I struggled to find just the right image to present while digging through a closet that could have quite possibly housed Narnia & the entire Middle Earth.
What am I working through? Is it sacrifice? Loss of control? Are the fire and the water symbols of good or ill? Am I struggling under the pressure of external expectations that I don’t believe fit who I am? Is there a beginning or an end being pondered? Or both.
Ahh…. That was a sound of frustration not of enlightenment or release. Just in case you didn’t catch the nuance in black and white.
In every dream there was a recurring theme of me standing up to those who profess relationship but refuse to invest. As shown both through those I know and in the faces of those my dreams shrouded in shadow.
I woke, these past few mornings, agitated and concerned. I have been overwhelmed by intense feelings I have a difficult time putting words to in order to more succinctly sort them.
Is it anger? Pain? Righteous indignation? Sorrow?
Or pizza. I’m going to blame it on the pizza…