Thoughts

Brain Lint

February 20, 2008

I’m tired.  My brain  hurts, my spine hurts, my feet hurt and I need a pedicure.

Life as we know it must now cease.   I. Need. A. Pedicure.

I wish it were that simple.    I keep coming back to this little corner of the Inner-Net and I guess I am hoping for inspiration.   Heh.  Not happening.

I’ve felt trapped in my busy little world lately.   You know where you get so self-absorbed with your circle of people, ministry, work, etc that you forget there’s a big, busy world out there?

So, I went to Big UnNamed Non-Profit Non-denominational Fellowship Gathering last night.  And my son, my 10 year old son was BULLIED by a 15 year old boy insisting that my son had a crush on the 15 yo  boy’s 18 year old sister.   Now, I despise bullying in any form.  Despise it.   In any shape.  What do I mean? Well, it’s that stupid stuff from tele-evangelists as they talk you into a corner and then beat you up with some ridiculous parody of scripture or the jerk with the strongest personality in the room intentionally dominating the conversation because, well, dammit, if you’ve got the loudest voice you must have the most important things to say!  I am repulsed by insecure little people who think it their job to boss everyone else around and squish us all into their little boxes so we are easily defined and easily controlled.   Or maybe it’s that one individual who won’t stay out of your personal space.  Maybe it’s the person who makes up stories to inflate their position at the expense of yours.   From kindergarten to the grave we deal with it.  I get it.  Human nature and all that rot. But this!  This last night took the cake.   My boy hasn’t really “discovered” girls yet.   And an 18 year old girl might as well be a friend of his mom’s.  Eww!   (his words, not mine).   So, now I have to deal with that.   Left a message.  Getting ready for the inevitable, “What?  My little angel?”  I don’t know these people, I have no dog in this fight (I don’t have a grudge against their son).  I just think a 15 year old boy should be chastised for pushing a 10 year old boy up against a car and threatening to harm him!

But, all in good Christian love…  yeah.

I’m working a lot this week.  Meetings,  “fellowship”,  some counseling,  physical therapy on my horse who threw her hip out, extra hours at the barn and, and, and.

I miss the anonymity I used to enjoy on my blog.   When I could write whatever I was thinking and I didn’t have to have qualifiers and caveats in the event someone from IRL (in real life) read and misunderstood me.   I suppose I could start another blog, but who do I invite over and who do I not?  I am not prepared to make those choices.   I suppose it’s always a challenge to “live out loud”…  The Mr. wishes I kept to topical/biblical/spiritual stuff so as to encourage and exhort you all.  Yawn.   Hopefully the reality of faith I attempt to show does that.   I’m not a scholar, a genius *although I play one on TV* or exceptionally wise.   I just want to be real.

Is that the crux?  I’m afraid to be real?  I mean how many times does one get smacked down before you decide it’s just safer to stay on the ground and cry “bwana”.  But is there courage in standing up again or stupidity?   We don’t have a G-d given right to personal expression in a public forum.

Ok, that wasn’t fair.  I do want to “encourage and exhort” you all.  I just find it disingenuous to do so from a distance, at arms length or as some sort of spiritual voyeurism into another person’s life.  I don’t particularly care for metaphorical spiritual truth.  I’m a lot more into what the Truth is, how we apply it,  where we go with it and perhaps why we struggle with it.

There are some big changes coming for me in the near future.  There has to be.  I can’t continue to live like this.   I can’t. Won’t? Am unable?  I don’t know.   It just seems I’m stretched entirely too thin.  Thin.  Heh, that’s funny.  Me, thin…  Bwahahahaha!  Sorry, I digress.

Brain lint…

I see so many opportunities around me to encourage others.   But I have to be careful to not pour myself without wisdom into bottomless receptacles or non-reciprocating relationships.   Discernment.  That’s what I need.

Last night, at the Place, the guy talked about getting back to the basics in the Word and remembering.   Yeah.   It’s all about preparation.   On the firm foundation of the Word.

Was reading the 10 Commandments.   Taken on their own they’re pretty simple.   Basic.   So, why are they so hard?

I don’t think they are.   We see the clear-cut heart of G-d written for us to love Him and love the other beings He created.  We can see it, we can understand the words and the general application.   And we’ll spend our whole lives discussing the Why.   I’m good with the discussion.  Where I struggle is the folks who refuse to obey what is clear in Scripture because they want to argue over inflection, interpretation, inspiration.  Do we need to know the Divine Why of “don’t lie” or can we just accept it’s a great idea,  G-d asked us not to do it and while we live our whole lives seeing the wisdom in the “concept” we’ll never understand the Divine Why until we “know Him as we are known”.

Ahh.  I think that’s the bottom of the pile.  Blessings to you all.

  • peanut

    I know how you feel about not being able to be who you are.At work Im this big goof that will be missed for always having something funny to say about everything!I was like that at work because I cant be that in the other statis of my life. God forbid I offend someone when trying to make light of a subject.Or my goofiness (is this a word?) is inappropiate.So I will continue to be a goofnut and send my funny off colored jokes in the mail to my late employer.I will continue to tease my ex- coworker about her lazy eye.Why? Because Im the only one who can.I will send them blond jokes for the cute little movie star gal with not much sense.I will go in evey now and then and let my ex- boss roll his eyes at me when making the worst joke ever.I will continue to do this because I cant let anyone suck that out of me. I will be a goofnut…I will be a goofnut…I will be..oh you get the picture..

  • Goofnut.

    And by the way… Your sense of humor has never offended me.

    Promise.

  • AJW308

    I just think a 15 year old boy should be chastised …

    There is a biblical model where you strip off your belt and whip him with it. It’s in the bible, don’t cha know;)

    Seriously, when a 15 year old, who’s functionally an adult, is physically bullying a child, he’s waived certain expectations. One of those is ‘fairness’. You or your husband equally bigger than he is as he is compared to your son.

    Bullies like that should be stepped on.

  • AJW308

    I just think a 15 year old boy should be chastised …

    There is a biblical model where you strip off your belt and whip him with it. It’s in the bible, don’t cha know;)

    Seriously, when a 15 year old, who’s functionally an adult, is physically bullying a child, he’s waived certain expectations. One of those is ‘fairness’. You or your husband equally bigger than he is as he is compared to your son.

    Bullies like that should be stepped on but more importantly your son should know, beyond a doubt, that his parents will defend him.

  • BoysMom

    Sounds like you’re frusterated. And that can be a good thing, sometimes. As long as it takes you somewhere you need to go.

    Do you feel like you’re supposed to care about people because you’re a Christian that you really, truly don’t care about? I do. I don’t have any answers to what to do about it. Just . . . we’re supposed to help and love and all, and they take and take and don’t give anything back. And nothing changes–in them. I just get tired. And I don’t care, even though I’m supposed to. Love your neighbor and all.

    I don’t want to be around people who are that much constant work. I wonder if it’s a church is broken thing, that fellowship is so exhausting, or if it’s a people are broken thing. If it’s the first, maybe we can do something about it, but if it’s the second, if it’s inherent to the Fall, then I guess we just have to keep on keeping on. I think it’s the first, a church-problem, because not everyone is that sort of energy black-hole, even though everyone is a sinner.

    I hope you can find some rest and some peace.

  • Just be yourself, babe. And when that fails, be me. You’ll be fine.

  • *sigh*

    Thanks guys. Bane, I could never be you. I don’t have the gear or the equipment. 😉

    As for the bully situation… Talked to the dad, got a great response, working on a resolution which requires the young man to apologize to my son and to me. Nice. Complete with apologies from the parents.

    Small miracle happened today regarding my horse and being able to keep her at the place where I work. Definitely brought my spirit up.

    I also talked to a close friend who exists outside my normal crazy life and she’s going to be my “attitude accountability”. It’s good to have friends like that…

    G-d is good. And today He reminded me that He hasn’t forgotten about my heart. Even when I have.

    Cool, eh?

  • I can’t be me either, darlin. Yet I am. From what I’ve seen, you have all the equipment you’ll ever need.

  • Anonymous

    For that very reason as you’ve mentioned I don’t “give out” my blog address to many new people. I don’t need that type of responsibility 🙂

    The bully guy, you did what you could. It’s a lesson, many in fact. It’s not often the challenge set out before you but how you respond to the challenge. You did great. As much as you could. The End.

    I’m glad you feel better.

    God is good, heck God is GREAT!

    Cya ChickiePooFace 😉

    WW:)

  • oh dear… Bane I don’t have the *wink* equipment *nudge, giggle* get it?

    And heaven forbid you’ve ever seen my equipment… Ok, that joke went bad long ago. Quit beating it up, already, heidi!

    WW, the blog info went out like a virus. I really didn’t intend for it to become so entrenched in my life…. But, here we are!

    Chickie Poo Face? Did you just say I look like chicken poop?

  • Anonymous

    LOL Naw… I couldn’t possible justify THAT remark ;-P Know what I mean Pumpkin Pits?

    WW 🙂

  • Anonymous

    PS. How bad is it when your pedicurist needs a pedicure, in the worst way?!

    I NEED a pedicure.

    *sigh*

    I guess I’ll settle for…

    *wink*

    Have a great weekend tootsie pop!

    WW 😛

  • Eh. I’ve seen no evidence to indicate that life is serious. When it starts getting too much, drop it all and re-assess. I mean that literally and I’ve done it more than once.

    Of course, you have to understand that “drop it all” usually means that you can only do that briefly. But sometimes all it takes is 15 minutes of saying, “Screw this. What really matters to me? Time to realign priorities.” Unless you’re in physical combat and under fire, you can always do that for at least 15 minutes. Breathing deeply helps with the priority-realignment process.

    As for the anonymous blogging thing… I’ve had “discussions” with Bane about this. I’m just flat reckless, I suppose. I started my blog during a divorce and custody battle. I set it up at markjshaw.net and was later accused in court of “hiding behind the anonymity of the internet” regarding things I posted on my blog.

    The whole courtroom got a laugh when I said, “My blog is at MARK *J* SHAW DOT NET! I even used my middle initial. How is that anonymous or hiding?”

    I think the only way I could be less anonymous is if I used my social security number as my domain.

    I’ve suffered no ill effects. I get the whole desire to be anonymous and keep things private. There are things that I keep private and I sometimes censor myself when writing, but not often.

    My (earthly) Dad taught me that “a wise man lives his life in such a way as to have no need for secrets.” I’ve followed that advice and I think there’s wisdom in it. (There are things I would rather some folks not know, but if you press me I don’t hide from the facts about anything.)

    I’ve posted things on my blog that I regret posting and some of it is just plain embarrassing to me now. But in three years and 408 (remaining) posts, I think I’ve only ever removed two after posting. I started out looking at it as “publishing” and that words cannot be “unpublished” once they are printed.

    I’ve often debated with myself over the wisdom in that but always come back to the principle that I refuse to apologize for who I am and my blog is me. It’s me warts and all. It’s me when I’m right and when I’m wrong. It’s me when I was – and still am – immature and foolish as well as showing where I’ve grown and what wisdom I’ve gained.

    I’ve gotten emails from people who’ve stumbled upon my blog by random chance while googling something and then dug through archives. They tell me that my raw honesty and openness inspire them to seek God or seek Him further. That’s rewarding and reminds me why I started it in the first place.

    I’m not preaching. I think everyone should do just exactly what they want to in terms of blogging. I’m just sharing my philosophy and story.

    When it all seems overwhelming, there’s always stable ground when you come back to the fact that YOU are a CHILD of the Creator of the universe and He loves you with an undying love. You’re the apple of His eye, the object of His affection and you’re His favorite. Because of all that, He “perfects that which concerns” you. (Psalm 138:8)

  • 🙂 Thanks, Cowboy. Priorities. They make a difference.

  • mike in oregon.

    Interesting that you mention discernment. I’ve found that most of the time, the greater someone claims they have it, the less they actually do. That not directed toward anyone here, just an observation.

  • Mike, that’s so true. Thinking of circumstance right now where I see that.