Funny | Happy Thoughts

Five Minutes & Other Stuff

March 7, 2009

Well,  this poor, neglected thing of a blog needs a mother’s touch.   That and a swift kick in the motherboard.  Good grief.   The fact that I have 3 visits a day from the sweetest diehards on the planet inspires me.

Yes. You are my inspiration.    You are the Wind Beneath My Wings and the Underwire in My Bra.

You Lift Me UP!!!

Are you all dying with the mental picture yet?

So.   Five minutes.    I, the proud and braggadocious mother of two charming delightful and MAHVELOUS children had no less than THREE opportunities to brag about them, their progress and how much we LURVE our virtual schoolroom.   Two for the radio and one on our local TV station.  No I will not give you the link.  Why?  WHY?  You had to ask didn’t you.

Because the camera added 142 pounds.  That’s why.  I am vain.   Don’t JUDGE ME!

And besides… The lovely reportress and I talked for a LENGTHY time in which I am sure I was WAY too excited and talked too fast and tried too hard and, and, and…  She used the sound byte that made me sound like the least educated person in the room. “These are the schools of the FUTURE!”

And another thing.   I am flippin’ QUIRKY!  Twitches and ticks and squinchy faces intended to be cute…  But which only emphasize the very pointy nose I inherited through the gene pool lottery.

I liked the sound bite from the radio station better.  Sheesh, I sound really smart.   “Not every child is well-suited to the classic brick & mortar classroom environment.”

I’m surprised I didn’t ruin it with a snort or a giggle.

And then.   To add insult to INJURY every freaking pollen spore in CENTRAL OREGON is trying to inhabit my poor little nose.   I think noses are over-rated and would happily give mine away.   Just call me Itchy & Scratchy.

After a traumatizing week of intensely personal issues and other types of crisis that remotely resemble my real life.  Wait.  No.  They ARE my real life.   If only OBAMAMAMA would come and save me from myself  and give me 25 classic American films on DVD like he gave the PM of the UK.    I would feel special and complete.   But no.   I just had to sit back, pray and rely on G-d.

Who came through a heckuva lot better than B’rak H’sein O’bama ever will.

Total rabbit trail…

Am I the only one on the planet who only sees THE MOLE on his face?   It’s like the whitehead on the kid’s forehead that wobbles when he talks.   He’s passionately trying to sell you magazines you Must Have at your doorstep while you are trying to cleverly think your way out of the situation but the only thing you want to do is pin the poor child’s head to the flour and SCOUR him with ClearASil until his skin falls off?

Or is that just me.

Bill Clinton has a Penis Nose.   No, don’t laugh at me.  He DOES!!!  GW had really big ears.  But those are just ears and a nose.  You are still looking at a person.   But the extras?  The thing you could get rid, and WHY OH WHY don’t you?   I’ve had moles removed.  Tiny scar, teeny pain.  All over.  And Much Better.  To look at.

Not that I am intolerant of those with additional epidural accoutremont.   Bless you all.  Just be aware I will have a hard time remembering your name,  knowing what you were saying or what color the sky is.  Rest assured I will know the exact location, texture and proximity to me the mole will pose.    Hate me.  I am a freak.

Ok… Sorry…  Where was I?

Remembering G-d’s faithfulness to us….  He’s amazing.   And I wrote this lovely devotional, loaded with Scripture and sent it to 25 of my closest friends and relatives.   Ok.  Not really.  I don’t have that many.   I sent to everyone on my email list with the disclaimer that everytime they didn’t forward it a puppy loses a limb.   Ok.  Not really there either.   I just sent it.   I wanted to tell folks what the Lord meant to me that day.

I get an email back from a wonderful woman in my bible study discussion group.   “You are a gifted writer of short devotionals.”

Um….  Is that a nice way of saying “keep your day job” or “Never write more than this I don’t think anyone could handle it”?

I’ve giggled about it for awhile.     See, I’ve thought about writing a book.   I would love to.   The only problem I could imagine would be keeping myself limited to one subject for the entire length of a book.  Some ideas I’ve thought of are 101 Ways To Annoy Your Husband but figure most women are so naturally gifted that the book would become irrelevant.   A cookbook?  Yawn.  Not interested in the test kitchen side.   HEY!  A book of short devotionals!

In other news…

There is no other news.   OH!!!!

Purim on Tuesday night.   Here is the list of our costumes….  Pebble 1:   Dr. Who.  If I have to explain this it no longer becomes interesting.   Pebble 2:  A giant cat toy.   Pictures will come.  ME:   Redneck Glamour Girl or White Trash Barbie.  Not sure yet.   I do have the blonde wig, the red heels and the DD bra to stuff with old socks or kleenex.   Purple eyeshadow will have to do as I am ethically and morally opposed to blue eyeshadow on me.   AND liquid liner, Walmart press on nails and…  Oh, I can’t tell you ALL the details.  I’m trying to get the Mr. to dress up as Trailer Trash Dan but I’m thinkin’ the wifebeater stuffed to give him that delightful paunch, chops, etc will be beyond his ability to carry off.   Well, he could carry it off but exhibitionism isn’t really his gig.  It’s mine.  Well.  Not really mine.  I just like to have fun.   And don’t mind being a dork in public.

Hm… Tattoos…. Shouldn’t there be tattoos?

Heading over the mountain tomorrow to see the folks.  Mom’s B-day, etc., rally at the Capitol building.  Go VIRTUAL SCHOOLS!!  We R Awesome!   yay…. Go team…

  • momma dragon

    you are still a hoot and I love reading what ever you write.
    regardless of how ‘out there’ or intellectual
    you’ll always be my precious ‘lil sis’
    BTW – your phone called 4 times again today!! “)
    tell the folks ‘hello’

  • NO! I called three times and didn’t leave a message. My butt called you once.

  • roci

    There should be tattoos. Redneck tattoos.The kind with eagles, Rebel flags, and the name of an old boyfriend (crossed through with another name under it,crossed through and another name under IT).

  • Oh man, I would have loved to hear the five minutes!! Can you pretty please give me the link, I pinky swear I wouldn’t tell anyone! That is so cool.

  • Jason

    Heidi,

    Saw the interview online. You did fine. We are always our own worst critic. I thought you and the kids sounded just fine. But that’s just my opinion!

  • I’ve been neglecting my blog and most of the blog world lately myself. Life gets busy sometimes. It sounds like your busy life is a whole lot more interesting than mine, though!

  • Maybe the lady just really likes your short devotionals and wants to encourage you to write, say, a book of short devotionals?

    Anyway, you update your blog more often than I update mine. Seriously, I couldn’t remember my url this morning when I did finally go to post something!

  • You need underwires?

    Pfffft…