Nails bitten to the quick, cuticles ragged and bloody, work-worn hands tremble, holding on so desperately, and my heart thumps over and over a beat; “Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.” The repetition shatters composure and stealthily downs those deliberately crafted, pretty little fantasies of Girl Done Good, adequate effort.
Fingers ache as the grip on questions about personal merit and value trump opportunities and silence me in the face of moments of truth.
It is painful and emotionally naked to explain the awkwardness and insecurity carefully hidden behind achievements and the window dressing of successes that never quite felt real. Never as loud as the voices telling me to work harder, do more, feel less, power through until I’ve done “enough”.
I walked away from the expectation that perfection was anything less than being perfectly broken.
I ignored the power of the false idol that mocked me from the corners of my soul. That graven image whispering, enticingly, of affirmation’s golden promise sells his snake oil; that a covenant of belonging and satisfaction dripping from the lips of another flawed human could satisfy and fill the empty places.
I stopped comparing my weakness to the strengths of beautifully flawed and fumblingly adept friends who lean heavy and ugly into nail-scarred hands.
I forgave myself for falling short of my to do list and began to breathe moment by moment.
And then, when I was tempted to walk into expectations, to listen to that inamorata of outrageous graceless pain, to see only the strengths as they make my weakness shine bright and cold hard in the face of effort expended frantically, to white-knuckle to little check boxes instead of the feet of Jesus….
I let go.
In that moment of release…
I find Grace and He is enough.
Joining up at Five Minute Friday. #fmfparty #fiveminutefriday
Our most important requirement for participation: There’s really only one absolute, no ifs, ands or buts about it Five Minute Friday rule: you must visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community. – See more at: http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/#sthash.37dZBqOd.dpuf