Faith & Encouragement | Family Business | Housekeeping | Social Issues | Thoughts

Housework: You’re Doing It Wrong

October 10, 2017

How many times in the past year have you heard of a marriage falling apart, a family disintegrating, a future destroyed? 

 

“Too many, Heidi. Too many.”

Well, that should be your answer because it’s the truth. And if it isn’t your answer either you a) have no friends b) live in a bubble c) are a liar.

It’s frightening, this war on family and marriage. How are we supposed to survive when so many are going down in flames?

If statistics are to be taken seriously, and let’s be honest, after last November we are all a little cynical, less than half of us will end up, old and wrinkly, holding hands with the same spouse who walked us down the aisle.

Remarriage for women, as we age, becomes less and less likely. Should we get started talking about the cost of child support? On both sides? What about how alimony can financially cripple either party’s ability to provide for a second family. It doesn’t happen or it takes too much of the paycheck.

Simply? It makes sense to just stay married. Especially for us, ladies. Especially for us.

That’s you and me, darlin’. You and me. We’ve already invested our perky selves, baby-making hips, and the “looks cute in a two-piece” years. We’ve given them to the man we wake up to and the children we make dinner for and unless we are careful, that investment might not pay off.

I know I want to reap the rewards of that investment.

I’ve earned those rewards. There is no way I want to jeopardize where I end up and how I live because I didn’t have the courage or willingness to pursue my marriage and family with integrity now. Before the hurricanes and menopausal tornadoes.

See, to be blunt, we don’t fare well in the re-marriage market as only 25% of women who are divorced in their 30’s-40’s actually remarry. Men will generally marry at a rate closer to 50% but, even then, they aren’t looking at our Match.Com profiles. They tend to marry women far younger than themselves the second time and, well, that rather gives a raspberry to both our aging marketability and our chances at second time marital bliss.

Seriously. 25%.  I don’t like those odds.

Have you seen the dating market for women our age? Have you seen the dudes interested in us? How many of those men would want a ready-made family and a whole set of busted up luggage? How many of those men would you want around your 14-year-old daughter or raising your little boys?

Hollywood says women can do anything and have anything no matter what they look like or what mess they’ve made of their lives. But Hollywood also uses CGI to make dead people talk so we know they’re a bunch of liars anyway.

When it all boils down and we are left with the goop in the bottom of the pain, it seems wiser to just hang on to the 41% chance that I get to be one of the women who can hold on to her husband and intact family for the long haul. At least as much as it is in my power to do so.

Don’t feel like you have power? Oh, I disagree. Strongly. We have so much power. We have no idea how much power we have.

Proverbs 14:1

The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

 

 

Not someone else.  Our parents. Poor upbringing. Unfortunate financial woes.  Not our husbands.

Us. XX chromosome. PMS and feel good cries. Just the whole deal of womanhood. Us.

We build up or tear down our own houses.

These aren’t bungalows and cottages that I’m talking about.  We don’t use hammers and nails or crowbars and chainsaws here but, I’m afraid we do a lot of housework.  And for many of us? Given the destruction of marriages?

We are doing it all wrong.

I’m not currently writing to the ladies who build up. Not yet. This is to the sisters who bulldoze their own security and future. Shingle by shingle. Tear by manipulating tear. Guilt trips by angry blaming.

Every day, systematically destroying their homes, one snark, one bitterness, one resentment at a time the foundation crumbles until there is nothing left to preserve. Nothing left to fight for or hold on to.

I don’t have to make a list, we are familiar with the usual suspects. Anger, resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, and arrogance. No one needs to be convinced those elements are at the heart of poor choices. Toxic to our warmth and hospitality.

But we justify.  We excuse our failures.  When we are at church thinly masking our dishonor of our spouse with a carefully worded prayer request or trying to explain our behavior to our friends… Maybe we spend too much time searching for a friendly ear when we believe we’ve been horribly “wronged”.

But there really is no limit to the depths of ugliness in the human heart. Have you thought about how disrespect and comparison, victimhood, and slander can pull down your house?

What about isolation and exclusion?

See, we can’t fix those with fortune cookies or coffee dates with the girls. Those are real issues with real life consequences.

 

We have grown up women who need to stop blaming everyone else for their broken houses.

It’s time to quit pretending our status quo is all there can ever be.

Get your gloves on, girlfriend. It’s time to work on the house. It’s time to hear the Cold, Hard Truth.

  • Weatherly Hardy

    “When we are at church thinly masking our dishonor of our spouse with a carefully worded prayer request”

    That is chilling. Well said.

    • It is chilling because it rings true.

      • BillyS

        Or outright lying and making those at church believe she is married to a man who doesn’t exist. Few in church will believe she made it all up in her own mind.

  • I’m guessing you mostly write this for other women. But I have looked at some of your writing and enjoyed it, as well as learning some things. I grew up with a shrewish mother. My father’s reaction was to stay away as much as he could. I have never felt like I understood relations between men and women. That is what I am learning.

    • I write for anyone who will listen. Sadly, I have little hope for the listening skills of modern women. I hope to catch the ear of those who are willing to hear and challenge the status quo of those who struggle to hear.

      • Jim Christian

        You’re right about the lack of desire of the single guys to want to start anew with a divorced woman of some age North of forty. Divorced in 1992 from a “not haaapppy” wife who wanted to find someone a little more malleable, I got fed up with “strong” women who really were just bitchy and mean. Meh, released from that Hell into Bill Clinton’s Washington, I got a vasectomy, tore up my hubby-card and just dated about for the next thirty years. Those fresh on the market are a mess and mostly, they initiated the divorce. No one wants that. You’ll sleep with them, but never marry them. No way. How do you trust them not to take YOUR house (again) with their second divorce for cash and prizes? And so, the acquisitive women, you con them into bed and dump them before they can get their hooks in you.

        Love, American style. And at 60 now, the women are easier than ever. Easier to con onto the back of my motorcycle than they were when they were 18. Anything to have a man in their life, even if for only awhile.

        • Thank you for profoundly inspiring me to gratitude for the husband I have and reaffirming my sheer horror at the dating world for women of my age.

          • Jim Christian

            Hey, women dictate the terms, the rules, we men work with what’s offered. I suppose it’s good the divorced women are so promiscuous. Cad that I am, given the situation with courts bent so firmly in women’s favor, it’s a fools errand for any man to marry, younger or older. Stats reflect the reality. And so the average age of marriage goes up and up and up. Not like it’s WOMEN losing anything after all.

          • E DeLoges

            You nailed it Jim. What amazes me is that even now, in the “Current Year”, we still hear women pull the NAWALT card, or “not ALL men get screwed in family court”. Divorce laws and the entire INDUSTRY are focused on separating men from their hard-earned money and their children, while also keeping you JUST ENOUGH above or at a living pulse so you can work as a mule for X amount of years to support your Ex and children, sorry to say, who won’t give a crap about your sacrifices or what you lost. (Most of them don’t respect their mothers either, an irony often lost on those that talk about divorce). Child support in and of itself is alimony and not even closely related to what one person would contribute to a child’s costs…and the laws are rigged to ensure all the arguments over it are “closed”, by using phrases like “real family experience” (in other words, the father can pay 80 percent of the so-called “costs” of rearing a child) and everyone KNOWS that you cannot claim that your child support goes to pay her mortgage or car payments, because after all, YOUR CHILDREN LIVE THERE TOO (after having been GIVEN to her)…see how it all works? They have it neatly boxed up for you. It’s “for the children” dontcha know.

          • Jim Christian

            Some of it is rooted in children’s issues, but then vengeful wives use falsehoods. Phony restraining orders, the strategies offered to women by divorce lawyers are endless. My divorce was simple, 500 dollars, I paid my child support, had a ball raising my kid and she’s 26 with her degree and a hubby and a kid. Could be worse. My ex coulda been worse, too, but her tale was considerably less fortunate with a second (now-ailing) husband, and an epileptic daughter.

            End of the story is, it’s 73 degrees North of Boston and I’m gonna take a motorcycle ride North of Boston. As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good DAY!”.

          • Deplorable S E Delenda

            The entire domestic law industry is designed to exact vengeance on men by women.

          • Ehhh. . .I don’t think it was designed that way. It was designed to provide nice billable hours for family lawyers. But men will only fight that sort of battle for so long, and the winner is often the one who hits first and stays longest. So the result it that it does favor women. One big factor in that is that the referees, guardians-ad-lightem, etc, tend to be about 99 percent women, and they are taught in their coursework that feminism is the bomb, baby!

          • DissidentRight

            it’s a fools errand for any man to marry

            Churching virgins under 25 who come from good families have the potential to be marriage material.

            Non-Christian women are good for nothing except casual sex.

            Men have a duty to produce sons who will carry the banner of Christendom.

  • DissidentRight

    Many people profit, directly and indirectly, from divorce. The wife is not one of them, though they rig the game to make it seem that way. Even the few who remarry will be worse off. Sadly, there is not too much a husband can do to save his wife from her own stubbornness. If she is contemptuous, kindness and submission will only increases her contempt.

    • “If she is contemptuous, kindness and submission will only increase her contempt.”

      The submission of men to women, of husbands to wives, is a feminist utopian ideal that, like so many of those, doesn’t work in real life. While I would hesitate to counsel anyone to not be kind, I would ask them if it is kindness to allow someone to self-destruct without challenging or demonstratively being that line that cannot be crossed? Obviously not. Kindness is far from softness. Or weakness.

      It was the kindness of Christ that lead Him to cleanse the Temple.

      This idea that they can abandon their husbands and start over with minimal consequence is an awful delusion that women seem to more prone to indulge. Someone read this article and called me “fatalistic” about the statistics. I didn’t make them up. I also don’t believe that we are always limited to their awful predictions.

      I plan to be 100% successful in my marriage. I can’t control how my husband chooses to behave but I can definitely make it worth his while to stay.

      • DissidentRight

        The submission of men to women, of husbands to wives, is a feminist utopian ideal that

        It is that. And it is a satanic lie, which is encouraged specifically to destroy marriage, and with it society, so that the wicked can do as they please.

        While I would hesitate to counsel anyone to not be kind

        Indeed. And that is the attitude of every normal man. It is in the nature of men to view women as objects to protect and defend. Sadly, that is why it is so difficult, if not impossible, for a man to save his marriage to a contemptuous woman. Submission, kindness, and other conciliatory measures only make the matter worse. The woman must fix herself, or she must be pressured by her peers.

        but I can definitely make it worth his while to stay

        That is one of the asymmetrical beauties of God’s design in male-female relationships. The man uses strength and boldness to provide for and safeguard the family…women love strength and boldness. The woman uses her kindness and charm to give him something fight for…guess what men fall for every time?

        Naturally, men are tempted to weakness and cowardice. Women are tempted to ugliness of character.

    • Jim Christian

      The wife is not one of them that profit? Cash and prizes and spousal support and the house and child support isn’t profit? Never got divorce-raped, did you Einstein. Well, me either, but every friend of mine that got divorced got the “Deliverance” treatment.

      • No one wins in divorce. However, among the average folks, given the current rate that men are being denied custody of their children and required to pay out the nose for child support/alimony, it seems that financially men do get the short end of the stick.

        I’ve seen women get bulldozed too although not at the rate that men seem to experience it.

        It is true that women might get their immediate payout but they will more likely than not lose their future.

        • Jim Christian

          Eat, Prey, Love.

          • Ouch. But not inaccurate.

          • E DeLoges

            she moved on, btw, to a lesbian. In the end, it was all about her. Typical white western female narcissist.

          • I have heard that story more times than I care to think about.

          • Jim Christian

            Actually, she hooked up with (what she initially described as handsome and dashing because no one was looking at the time) and ugly-and-squat member of the Diversity Class, Subset: Hispanic. After she grew weary of his charms, she decided she would take her bisexual/lesbian chops for a test-spin around the block. She pulled the lever and when the needle stopped on Womyn, she bit, so to speak.

            Like Heidi said of such situations, loss is taken by all sides, but let’s only concern ourselves with this woman. I don’t see any followup publications on her. Is she now “haaaaappy”? If she was doing just swell, I can’t imagine she wouldn’t want to tell the world that leaving your family is the way to go in her second book of the EPL series, “I’m Just Swell”. Alas, it’s not that she’ll be missed because lots of books are out there selling same, women buy them and pull the trigger on an I’m Not Happy divorce. They have no idea what awaits them out there. Guys like me for one, heh..Funny thing is, women pester and pester a guy to get engaged, married, pester for the next bigger house, to have a baby, always seeking to be in transition, the next phase will be the one to make them “haaaaappy”. When they don’t get the giddy-yup-happies every minute, it’s his fault.

            My folks are married 55 years or some such before the old man croaked. They raised 6 kids and grew to be old together. But neither one of them would say they were swinging the lampshades and doing backflips over how happy they were, especially when *I* started to go to school. It’s hard to raise decent human beings and “happy” doesn’t tell the tale, only THAT on occasional reflection. And now? You have to be Haaaappppy every minute and that instinct, son of a bitch, does a lot of damage when not controlled.

          • Jim Christian

            Hmmm, wrote an article. Ah well, best I could come up with in 10 minutes. Forgive, I DO ramble..

          • Where?

          • Jim Christian

            I wrote a comment long enough to be an article, an essay..I’m ugly, but I do mean well.

          • Who said anything about happy? That varies depending on the day, the mood, the access to good whisky. Happy is not my end goal. Life is bigger than that. I have devoted my life to the care and wellbeing of the man who just happens to be sitting across the table from me doing his own work. I am a freaking EXPERT on him. Because I have no greater ambition than to be the best damn wife I can be. Sometimes that brings happy. Sometimes the sex is off the charts. Sometimes it’s apologies and ordering take out instead of making dinner. My goal is to honor him. Respect him. Treat him with kindness. Take good care of his home and his children.

            Happy is settling.

        • Deplorable S E Delenda

          No one wins in divorce.

          Except the members of the Bar Association. Think of how much legal fees are made in making marriage more fragile-from the time they write the prenup to the divorce decrees, qualified domestic relations orders-and the custody battles.

          • DissidentRight

            The lawyers, the enemies of America, and the enemies of Christendom.

            They must all be destroyed. Deus Vult.

      • DissidentRight

        Me: though they rig the game to make it seem that way

        The cash and prizes awarded to the ex-wife at the expense of the man are designed to appeal to her vanity and her desire for instant gratification.

        But she dies bitter and alone, a fate worse than death for a women. Alimony is dust in the wind.

        • Jim Christian

          Pretty wishful you are. Yeah, it goes that way, but it’s a cause for celebration?

          • DissidentRight

            How is any of that ‘wishful’? It’s what actually happens. It happened to my witchy aunt, who is now miserable, alone, and hated by her children. She will die that way. Pathetically she even got plastic surgery, but that can’t fix an ugly soul. Naturally my uncle has a younger girlfriend who is much better looking than his wife ever was.

            The point, if there is any, is that the next generation of men can feel absolutely justified in reversing all divorce, child support, and alimony laws. Because no matter how much women complain and whine, we’ll be doing what’s in their own best interest.

  • Femghazi

    Sheesh! Don’t let the cat out of the bag. All these women leaving their husbands has been a secret boon to other men for ages. Marriage is a sucker’s bet. Lol!

    • Damaged women past their prime are only a boon to men who want to manipulate the damage to their own advantage.

      And marriage is a sucker’s bet. For cads and weakminded women.

      • Femghazi

        All married women are past their prime, comes with the territory, the mere fact that multitudes of married women could ever have believed that the grass could be greener on the other side of 35, sealed their fate long ago. You cannot stop the tide, women’s greed and selfishness have assured that marriage is dead in the water for the vast majority of humanity. Couldn’t happen to a nicer crop of self-absorbed narcissists.

        Keep your marriage, just let your husband know that the only reason you’re doing so is because you realize that settling for him is better than being left out in the cold of the modern dating world for divorcees.

        • It is a reality that I will never do better than the man I have given myself to for 23 years. However, I don’t just tolerate him. Because that isn’t fulfilling my marriage vows. I love, honor, obey, serve, and adore him. Sometimes out of a sheer determination and sometimes because I am overwhelmed by the intensity of how dear he is. But, since this is a blog post and not dinner at my house, i don’t expect you to understand how much I love him.

          • Deti

            Why didn’t you say this from the outset?
            I hope that you do more than just tolerate him and that you really do all these things for him. Because the way you come across is that you stay with him because you can’t do better than him and you know it, and because being alone would be worse than being with him. Not because you WANT to be with him. But because being with him is better than being alone.

          • Why didn’t I say this from the start? Because the 12 people who usually read here know us. And they know how we are. I didnt need caveats to validate my point.

        • l jess

          You have a very nasty streak – Heidi is putting into her marriage many fine qualities that endear her to her husband. Her way works while your way leads to disappointments.

  • T Nick

    On target.

    Over the years, both Julie and I have had our share of troubles and turmoil, but never have we econsidered a “trial separation” or some such useless exercise. We sat down and worked on our selves and our marriage. 42 years now and we’re have the grey hair, winkled skin,the lack of muscle tone, eyes that are weaker, but the love and devotion are stronger than ever. When I see her across a room, I feel blessed.

    • Only 23 years here. I never would have guessed that this older love could be light years beyond the new hotness all those years ago but it is. It is so much better. I often pity those who haven’t made it to this point. They have no idea what they lost.

      • BillyS

        It can be good. Or it can be bad if the wife continually pulls away, bit-by-bit, over time. Then she can claim she was “forced” to frivorce her husband because she wasn’t going to take it anymore!

        Reality warping skills can be strong in modern wives, even after long term marriages.

        • I have no desire to be a modern wife.

          • BillyS

            I wish that more were like you, including my exwife….

          • DissidentRight

            Most women are not strong. They will do whatever society tells them, right or wrong, sane or suicidal.

            Among the many gifts that men give to women, one of the greatest is a civilization that promotes female virtue and punishes female folly. In almost all cases the threat of punishment is enough.

          • Sadly accurate.

          • DissidentRight

            I think men have the greater shame, since it apparently only takes a couple generations of peace & prosperity for us to go completely soft.

  • sqt

    Excellent post. I’m watching my sister (twice divorced) try to navigate the dating world and it’s a disaster. She keeps jumping in the sack with much younger men, somehow convincing herself that she’ll end up with a permanent relationship this way. It’s beyond sad. She thinks I am, at 19-years-married, a prude. ((Shrug)) Some people will never learn.

    • BillyS

      It is amazing that so many women on dating sites are looking for younger men, but few want to be realistic and aim at what they are likely to get.

      Many of these directly claim to not want one night stands and such as well.

  • Karen

    No, sweetie, it doesn’t get better if you stay with him. I’m 54, married to the only man I ever dated, and I hate every minute of it. He’s a bully and a martinet who can only communicate by screaming. He emotionally abuses our sons, screaming at them for every fault and bad grade but then refusing to actually do anything to help them or to enforce those screams. He will be sweet to me for short periods of time between fits, blaming the fits on back pain or his diabetes or something our sons did he doesn’t like, but the next time his back hurts he’ll take it out on me. Don’t stay; you have nothing to gain but spending your twilight years with a bully with lots of medical problems. Being alone is better for you and your family.

    • Femghazi

      Lol, the sexes hate each other at this point of the road. Marriage, what a laugh, better to get your dick chopped off than to enter that nightmare. Be thankful for small mercies, MGTOW is growing and the more it grows, the more thankful woman like you can be that few men will oppress women any more by getting married. Be thankful.

      • Karen

        Please, do go your own way. I’m not sure why you think it’s so important to tell women you’re leaving when you dislike us so much. I generally avoid talking to people I dislike, but you and your compatriots have a different view of things.

        • Honey, you are spazzing to the wrong crowd. And your bitter is showing.

          • Karen

            I’m not talking to you. You’re hopeless at least until you realize that your husband doesn’t give you any credit for your posturing. I’m talking to any women who get shown this post by their tormentor-husbands. Later, babe, I’ve got better things to do.

          • BillyS

            And I am sure you are the perfect angel in all this, right? Any flaws you do have are surely his fault, right?

            How disgusting. I am sure he has his flaws, since he is human, but I seriously doubt he is raging as much as you claim. I also expect your attitude played a big role in making him the man he is now.

          • *my sides* You came to my house and snarked at strangers to prove how virtuous you are?

            Maybe you should leave. I bet your husband could do better.

        • Femghazi

          You should be happy men are walking away. Rejoice! Praise be!

        • Jim Christian

          Am I allowed to talk like that?

          • That shouldn’t be a question that you have to ask.

        • l jess

          Apparently we do, Most MGTOW would have been paired up in times long past. It is today’s “modern” woman who used the state like a battering ram to destroy everything around her who has created MGTOW. Take the time to read proverbs 31 and meditate. How much power was a good wife wielding/how much responsibility to her husband and family was expected?

      • Jim Christian

        When MGTOW became a celibacy club you lost most guys, but taking that MGTOW vow is convenient when you can’t get laid anyway. I get the MGTOW rage. There used to be an ugly woman for every ugly guy back in the day. Except, now, the ugly chicks think they’re entitled to better than an ugly, broke, dickless MGTOW guy, ya dig? They’d rather nest with cats and cockroaches or be lezzie.

        But broads are not to be written off, they’re still great fun, every second or third one is pretty loveable for a time and days on the motorcycle and evenings in the Fall are better with a broad. That’s why the MGTOW think is lost. I get Men’s Rights in the courts and whatnot, but Jesus, to foreswear pussy forever is NUTS to me.

        • Femghazi

          Do what you want. If you want to have sex, go for it. If not? Who cares. Just don’t get married. It’s not so hard.

          You must weigh up your own pros and cons.

        • BillyS

          Marriage can also be a celibacy club today as well, unfortunately. Or a very rare club.

          The entire situation is VERY difficult for a man who is serious about his faith.

        • l jess

          MGTOW only has 2 rules – Do not get married or do not have children – Both allow the state into your wallet. Everything else is a personal decision. If you find a worthwhile woman who thinks like Heidi then it is understandable to slip out of MGTOW. Unfortunately, Heidi is a very small minority.

    • E DeLoges

      Way more women like that I’d wager.

      • Karen

        No, there aren’t. Men are encouraged to express their anger and given no limits on it. Women are punished for even thinking angry thoughts.

        • E DeLoges

          LOL You must be living on another planet. Western women are the most angry people on the planet. The “pussy” parade or whatever it was, that was a few months ago, with Ashley Judd up there screaming, PERFECTLY CAPTURED how narcissistic and angry (mainly white) women are. It was PERFECT. Every man under the age of 30 should be shown that as an example of what awaits him in marriage.

          • Femghazi

            Damn right! Phew! Dodged that bullet! Just imagine having to return home to that each and every night?! In the words of Darth Vader: NOoooooooooooooo!!!

          • Thank God men have limits. Bigger, faster, stronger… She has no idea.

          • Hah, yes. Everytime I see some movie or TV show that shows some pencil-armed gal punch out a guy, I cringe–because that teaches girls that they can go toe-to-toe with a guy. I have nice young female swordfighting instructor. Her skills are far ahead of mine. But if we were fighting for real, she’d have to put me down on the first pass, because I will overpower her very quickly. If she and I crossed swords, she wouldn’t have one two seconds later. She knows this.

          • Femghazi

            Furthermore she thinks men are given no limits on how we express our anger. LOL! Delusional twat!

          • hurricanepaul

            Those were ALL brainwashed Liberal women.

            Victims of Liberal Academia, Liberal Media & Liberal Hollywood.

            Want to be HAPPY?

            Marry a Conservative.

        • Bullshit.

          • Karen

            How do you know? What evidence do you have? You describe your experience and I describe mine and we’re perfectly equal.

          • Unless you are married to a mind reader you can’t possibly be punished for “thinking an angry thought” it just fits your rhetorical screeching to play the victim card.

          • Deplorable S E Delenda

            Once again, bullshirt-you get angry, nobody “feels” physically threatened by you.

        • Deplorable S E Delenda

          Oh bullshirt. I’m 6-1 and 240 pounds. If I don’t limit my anger, I’ll be arrested.

        • DissidentRight

          Try harder, feminist troll.

        • Deti

          Men are not encouraged to express their anger nor is it unlimited. Men are told to squelch their anger and not to express it. It’s women who are never limited in terms of their emotional expression. Women vomit their emotions all over the place all the time.

    • I’m sorry your marriage is the nightmare you have described. I won’t tell you how to be married to him but can you honestly say that you have lived with enough integrity that you could look me in the eyes and say you are innocent? That you are the victim here to the man you chose?

      I wrote this to talk to the women who are intentionally or ignorantly destroying their homes. IF you are not that women, then really, this isn’t to you. We can chat later.

      • Karen

        Yes, I can say I’ve lived with him with integrity and kindness and I’ve been rewarded with shouting.

        • And yet you come here, to a virtual stranger, and in full view of us all tell us how much of a monster he is.

          This is not honor. This is not respect.

          Try again.

      • BillyS

        Heidi,

        Keep in mind that the man she describes may not be the man she is married to. Talk to my exwife and you would hear much of the same malarkey. Making up a strawman husband and railing against that will get many to support her, even if he is not what she claimed.

    • DissidentRight

      Feminists makes it impossible for men to succeed, then complain when failed men lash out in pain. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

      And that’s if your side of the story is remotely accurate. Women project.

  • crushlimbraw

    This article will be distributed and posted in my archive on Government/Religion/Politics/Culture. The author has revealed another fundamental piece of our cultural infrastructure that must be restored if we expect to pass on our Western Civilization to our children and grandchildren.
    Thank you, HS!
    Anyone who is interested in reading more on my GRPC premise can go here – http://www.crushlimbraw.com – and consider being a mentor. No, you won’t answer to me – you will answer to yourself!

  • Amaryllis

    This is scarily true. My older sister soured her marriage getting disproportionately angry at her husband over really minor things, and trying to ‘take him down’ in public all the time. I’m not saying he’s blameless, and I’m sure there was other stuff going on behind the scenes that I wasn’t privy to, but for the first eight years they seemed to have a happy marriage and a good relationship. Now she is endlessly hopping into the sack with younger men and getting burned (meanwhile criticizing my relationship), and drinking. I don’t really keep in contact with him, we were never ‘friends,’ but his facebook appears to have a succession of pictures with the same new woman, so I assume he has found somewhat more consistency than she has.

    I’d say she’s a nice girl and deserves to be happy, but honestly, she’s not nice. She’s bitter and snarky and always trying to ‘know better’ than everyone else, and I’m pretty sure she picked it up from TV. I do hope she sorts herself out, but I’d kind of like to also hold her up as a window into the future for young women who think feminism and its lies are going to do good things for them.

    • Oh, I hope you stick around. This is the first little spitfire in a series I’m putting together on wife-ing and marriage and all the things women do to tear down their houses and all the things we can do to build them stronger.

  • hurricanepaul

    I feel sorry for the 60+ year old women who believed all of the feminists who said “You can have it all.”

    They told the 20 year-old women back in the 60’s & 70’s: “You can be as fat & ugly as you want. It doesn’t matter. You don’t need to shave your armpits. You don’t NEED men.”

    Now these “women” are in a terrible mess. They’re alone, old and miserable.

    Oh, well. Maybe today’s young women will see their mothers situation and NOT do what they did.

    • They are a sad lot. Perpetuating their myth. Misery loves company. All of that.

      • hurricanepaul

        They are all brainwashed Liberals.

        Liberal Media, Liberal Academia & Liberal Hollywood has ruined their lives.

        If a man wants to be happy, he should pick a Conservative to be his wife.

        • I cannot disagree.

          • Bull Moose

            I can disagree. There really isn’t much difference nowadays. The Feminism Lite Conservatives are conserving is little different in substance. The divorce rate is just as atrocious but you get more moralizing when they lie in Church and at Court. The worst Feminists aren’t the liberal Slut Walkers who’s insanity is clear for all to see but the prideful divorced Moms of the suburbs who will casually vote for anyone promising them more.

  • Omega Man

    A very good article. I just hope more women and men will heed the wisdom on offer.

    From my perspective, and I suspect this applies to a fair number of men as well and that is that I just want to love my wife, provide for her and make her happy. I want to share my time with her and have her love me in turn. We’ve been married for 35 years and we’re still going strong, although truth be told it wasn’t always easy.

    I’ve often wondered at what our secret was. Looking around I see the devastation everywhere. My sister, brother in law, half of our cousins, many friends and about 75% of our acquaintances are divorced and doing rather badly relationship wise. Perhaps it was because neither of our families liked each other and both of us were warned about marrying the other. It seemed that no matter what difficulties we endured, we endured them together and as a result grew closer and more committed to each other. Certainly the “I told you so” diatribes from family and friends would have been far worse and that is something both of us wanted to avoid.

    In the end none of it mattered as much as we thought it would. We are still together and will remain together until the end of our days.

    • The secret is you kept being married. No matter what. No matter how hard it was. And it’s worth it.

  • Jeff Campbell

    I was married for 20 years, never once thought of it or cheated on my Wife, I took pride in being faithful and loving my wife and I even defended her from others when I knew she was wrong, my reward?, she slept with 4 men in a year. I packed up my kids and left and have not heard from her since 2012. Now she is lonely and friends say she complains about being used and not being able to keep a Man.

    • That is awful. For you and for your children. I am sorry that was how it ended.

    • hurricanepaul

      Ya know, if you are not now married, it wouldn’t hurt to ask her out for lunch.

      Never know…

      • Femghazi

        Dude, you’re cruel.

        • hurricanepaul

          So, you’re saying that IF they get together, and she apologizes, asks for forgiveness, and they get remarried, becomes a family again, THAT’S a bad thing?

          • m11nine

            Shirley (Surely), you can’t be serious.

          • Jim Christian

            Depends on the state of the kids. But yeah, the betrayal is huge, tough to forgive and especially to trust. Then there are the STD ramifications and whatnot. Besides, the husband is likely already remarried?

          • I’ve seen it happen more than twice. It can be done.

          • Femghazi

            Yes. Rewarding a harlot is cruel to the husband and rewarding bad behaviour.

  • BarkerBeauty

    21 yrs married. I didn’t even want to get married, but my man did. I have someone to commiserate with in old age and more importantly, someone who remembers me young. He says, he still thinks of me as 19 yrs old, wearing my blue round-lens shades, jamming to Motley Crue, and driving a sports car. Exactly how I’d like to be thought of every single day 🙂

    • Husband goggles. They are extremely kind.

      • BarkerBeauty

        Exactly! It’s awesome! I see my divorced high school friends on FB posting graphics like “I wish I could find a man” and I just feel 😔 for them. You will never find a man who looks at you that same way over 40. Sorry. Not gonna happen. Aging sucks and I’m glad to have “banked” my looks history. I still look pretty good for over 40, but it’s getting more challenging. I’m just being honest. Men fall in love through the eyes. Wives would be wise to remember that before they trash their marriages.

      • Omega Man

        My wife was 21 when we got married, and she is still the beautiful young lady.

  • irrenmann

    I wouldn’t want someone staying in a relationship with me because of some cold-hearted calculus about what her odds are on the remarriage market versus the “investment” of the time we’d already spent together. Perhaps better to say I hope never to be in a long-term relationship with someone who thinks that way.

    • If truth is cold I’ll still take it over deception. I have a vague idea of what my “street value” is outside of marriage to my husband and it’s not great. Different reasons.

      However, I am also very aware of my marriage value. They aren’t the same. I don’t stay because statistics but I am aware of the risk should I ever be tempted to leave or become so arrogant as to believe on any bad day that I should just throw in the towel and give up.

      Simply because I’ve not given you a thousand reasons why my husband is the most phenomenal man I’ve ever known, hella sexy, and my favorite human being doesn’t mean he isn’t. I’ve followed him all over the world for 23 years. But that’s a story for a different day.

      Would you also not cash in your 401k because it was an “investment”? I invest in people all the time. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn’t. I can’t afford to spend time/effort/energy on people who don’t pay off. My husband doesn’t have to pay off. But the Bible says that righteousness will be rewarded and that all the things we’ve faced together and as we’ve grown individually will bring us a harvest of goodness.

      Some of that we are beginning to experience. My kids are nearly out of the house leaving us all alone to figure out this next step of life where we are not actively parenting together but still maintaining our roles and relationship. The sweetness of knowing I get to spend the rest of my life, by the grace of God, with the man I still hold hands with at the grocery store is one of those rewards. The fact that we prefer each other’s company over any one else? Is also a reward we have earned.

      It is laughable that you read what I wrote and think I coldly calculate my life.

      Just because I wrote a truth that wasn’t romantic and didn’t glamourize the cost of abandoning husband and home.

      Cool.

      • Also… I stay because, despite the hell I put him through in the early years, he let me stay. And loved me anyway. Perhaps that kind of loyalty is unfamiliar to you.

        • irrenmann

          Right…I commented calling for it and hoping it was the way people would make decisions instead of cold-heartedly…because it’s unfamiliar to me.

          You’re too flustered by my post to think clearly. It’s OK. Thanks for the clarifications. I have not been lucky enough to have a long marriage like your own, but hope to someday.

          • Starting over.

            I deal in truth. I have been victim of my own self-deception on enough occasions to consider it a dangerous luxury I can not indulge in. I have also watched the dissolution of TWO marriages in the past week alone. Both involving women who had the arrogance to assume they had the freedom to behave as badly as they wished without consequence or justification. These two elements combined to create a perfect storm where I wrote a sternly worded warning (or something) on the internet.

            Not just to warn other women of my age what the risks are but to remind myself lest I ever let my guard down and walk again in the delusion that I am anything but abundantly blessed far beyond what I deserve.

            Perhaps this is cold to you. I don’t see it that way. Snark at me all you want, but when you speculate that my husband is being treated badly, it does hit a nerve.

          • P.s. I’m not cool. In that we can agree.

        • Deti

          What hell did you put your husband through in the early years?
          Also, I don’t understand how you believe you didn’t settle for him. Everyone settles. Everyone. No one gets everything they want in a spouse. The best we can do is getting most of what we want and being willing to put up with the rest.

          • I didn’t settle because I was a damaged, horribly damaged young woman who had no hope or thought of “snagging a great catch”. Years of sexual abuse tend to destroy the part of you that initiates. I didn’t know what he saw in me. I was surprised that he cared about me. He was/is much older than I and had a great deal of strength. Strength that carried us through much ugliness as I healed and grew up.

            From the day I met him I have adored him. I had to learn to love because I didn’t know how. He is the only man I’ve ever known whose touch I crave. Who can calm me with a look.

            If I were ever to be single again. It would only be as a widow. By the grace of God. And I have absolutely no faith I could win the lottery twice.

          • Deti

            But that doesn’t answer the question of what hell you put him through.

          • Interesting. I gave you an intimate glimpse into my life and it wasn’t adequate to satiate your curiosity. Why do you believe I owe you a specific
            answer?

          • Interesting. I share intimate details of my life in an attempt to gracefully continue a dialogue and you demand more. What, gentle reader, would lead you to believe that you are entitled to any more than you have been given?

          • Deti

            Never mind. As soon as I had hit “post”, I saw you answered with:

            “The hell was my learning to be loved. I only knew pain. How to give and dish it out. And that manifested in many terrible ways, words, actions.”
            I also have read your “about” section, your experiences with sexual abuse, and your experience in some sort of nonChristian cult.
            It’s apparent to me you suffered a lot of damage, some by your own hand, some at the hands of others. I get it. You had a ton of baggage and hangups. The “learning to be loved” means learning how to have a healthy sex life, and learning how to be sexually attracted to a man who gives his everything to you. It means learning how to receive love and how to give it back in the way a man needs it, which is sexually.
            I think you have worked very, very hard to overcome a lot of crap in your life. I also think you show quite an understanding of how to reach women who are blowing up their marriages. The only way to reach them is to appeal to their self interest — how they will lose everything, and how the grass aint greener over there.

            That said, I also think your husband is a saint who should be canonized for taking on a woman with so much baggage and sexual hangups. He has had to put up with a whole hell of a lot, I am sure, and has probably had the patience of Job and the kindness of Jesus Himself. There are millions of women like you who have damn near ruined the lives of their husbands and children. I’m glad you’ve managed to avoid that fate.
            Best to you.

          • He is a saint, you are not wrong. And you understand why I say he settled? Not me? I wasn’t being falsely humble. It’s the truth.

          • Nor do I have any desire to find someone else.

            The hell was my learning to be loved. I only knew pain. How to give and dish it out. And that manifested in many terrible ways, words, actions.

      • irrenmann

        You’re not “cool” at all; you’re obviously all pissed off, but because I didn’t interpolate a bunch of personal stuff about your marriage that WASN’T IN THE ARTICLE. Is that really something to lay at my feet, or your own?

  • sim1776

    Thank you, Heidi.

    Granted I am on my second marriage but I’ve been through the divorce grinder. My first wife used me to get her nursing degree and then soaked me for every dollar that the courts would allow her. My current wife is amazing. Yes we have our problems. Namely a stepson who lives in a fantasy world of beliefs and feelz but she is following my lead and we’re slowly knocking the SJW out of him.
    You give me hope that all is not lost in the world. Marriage is a partnership and both parties have to make sacrifices and compromises. We both know that we’re better off together than apart. Feminism is the lie that women can have it all. Life doesn’t work that way. Please continue to share your perspective. So many women need to be red-pilled that the sum is so much greater than the parts.

  • Jim Christian

    To save the kid a divorce, I was content to live as friendly roommates and coexist, be friendly, raise the kid, when she’s of age, THEN divorce if necessary still. But no, she had the need to try for “haaaaapy”. But still, all things considered, the roommate option would be better than the breaking of the home. Meh, I made lemonade, she just kept comin’ up lemons. Whaddya gonna do?

  • Robert What?

    Trying to hold your marriage together? How un-American of you.

  • Difster

    Heidi, I think this is your best article yet.

    • Thanks. You’ve read many of them so the informed opinion is appreciated.

    • Coming from someone who has read my drivel for years, I appreciate the informed opinion and the positive feedback. Thank you.

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  • RJR Fan

    Discovering “love at hindsight.” 39 years into the adventure, wife is five years into “the long goodbye.” Alzheimer’s knocked on our door several decades ahead of schedule. The more I get to know of myself, and of her, the more convinced I become that no one on earth could have loved me more, or made me happier.

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  • Michael Rizzo

    I’m many years into begging for my spouse to hear me and my issues. Many years of slights, disrespect and ignoring me and everything I say or ask for. Many years of holding her up and holding her together as she went through awful things some acts of God and some acts of stupidity. The problem is while she was spending years trying to out bitch her friends about how everything about me was awful I fell out of love and even fell out of like with her. Now that she’s finally agreed to actually talk about things I’m not sure there’s anything to build on after the house is been torn down for so long. I guess time will tell

    • Michael, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but I can’t get away from it. I don’t presume to know everything but I can tell you a few things my husband did to help rebuild our marriage in the years where it needed him to do so.

      1. Stop begging. There is no need to beg. God has given you authority and responsibility. Shake off the weight of her choices to be negative and walk in the truth. You are the head of your house. Stand tall. Don’t beg.

      2. Quit holding her up. Maybe she needs to find the end of herself. Maybe she needs to fall apart. I did. More than once. It unravels the SheWoman fallacy that tells women they are “stronger” than men. We aren’t. Not physically, not emotionally, not mentally. We are the weaker vessels. Set aside for unique purpose. We shouldn’t use the china to change the oil in the car. Know what I mean?

      3. Do talk. But on your terms and with others present to witness both her claims and the commitments so there is accountability for her to regain control of her tongue, her heart, and her place in marriage.

      4. If she refuses to do what you believe is necessary? Don’t threaten. Don’t storm. Let her live in the cold for a while, whatever that needs to mean. Maybe she needs to go live with mom for a season. Maybe she needs to be called out in front of the pastor of your church or someone else she admires and strives to get respect from. Maybe she needs to be celibate for awhile or sleep in the living room. (don’t give up your bed, you are fighting to keep it)

      I am sorry your marriage has disintegrated to this point and I can’t say it will be salvaged. But first and foremost you need to be the man God has created you to be and trust that His principles of godly male behavior and responsibility are your first priority and her happiness is somewhat further down the list. You are fighting to save something precious, should you choose to fight. The last time I did any kind of research?

      War is ugly.

      Be the victor.

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