I Am

November 14, 2008

I have never doubted that G-d is real. I have never questioned whether or not He orchestrates the lives of those who follow Him. But I can see that I have suffered, for a long time, from what I call “Grateful Pet Syndrome”.

“Do what?”, you ask. And rightfully so.

Grateful Pet Syndrome (GPS) is an attachment dysfunction. It’s the blind and mewling adoration one receives from the lab rescued at the pound.  An animal that is just so profoundly thrilled to be get out of jail that you can do no wrong and he will kill himself, without thought, to make you happy.

Shouldn’t we have that mentality about serving G-d, though?  Again,  such a great question!

I think, perhaps, we should have a measure of GPS, if you will.  I understand I’ve been let out of jail, my price has been paid and now I am free to wander about the Master’s house and sleep on His furniture.  But at some point, in order to deepen that relationship I must move from grateful pet to autonomous human being.

That means I don’t cower in the corner when I’ve done something wrong but stand up and confess.   I must attempt to  converse, in whatever manner I can, with the Creator. I must hope to be aware enough to catch the barest glimpses of His heart.   I am hoping to find that there is more to this relationship than the transitory bliss of belly rubs and meals out of nowhere.

I must grow up.  Only in the church are there 20 year old babies…

And while He never changes.   Past, present, future.  Our perception of Him changes.  We can begin to see the difference He has made in our lives beyond the obvious Salvation and Redemption labels we most often throw around.

I am perceiving Him much differently than I ever have. A grateful pet would never yell at the Master and beg for understanding but a Child will.  A secure and well-trained Child would understand that yelling isn’t necessary.  A damaged and cynical wild child will not.    The Wild Child hasn’t learned yet that Father is always caring, always present and always engaged.  A Wild Child must learn to respond, not react.  To live in trust not in fear.

Fear.   The things that go bump in the night.  The mysteries we don’t understand that are far greater than our grasping little brains.   The darkness He allows and the Light He provides to cast out all fear.

He is Love.   But He’s not always “nice” in the way we view niceties.   He’s not polite as He challenges our lives and our paradigms.  He doesn’t play fair with our emotions and our favorite soap boxes.

He is busily filleting my heart and reducing me to the lowest common denominator of my soul.  As I am watching the dust settle, I am beginning to see that I’m not pretty.   I’m hard.  I’m cynical.  I’m afraid.  I’m confused.

I want to believe He’s a tender and joyful Creator who adores me even in the midst of the chaotic meanderings of my quest to understand.    I want to believe.

With just that tiny bit of drive.  And believe me, it is SOO tiny… He strips away one more layer.  One more facade.  One more pretense.  Until, just now, just this morning, I’m starting to hear a rustling.  A whispering.   I don’t know where it’s coming from, it doesn’t frighten, so I think it’s ok.  It could just be that I am too obtuse to know what is good and what is not….   But it’s there nonetheless and it thrills me in the back of my heart where I didn’t think anything lived anymore.  It seems far away, but I think it’s more like the blind man who saw “men as trees”.  The men didn’t, of their own merit, become more visible.   His ability to see was transformed.

So, while I am learning all the things that I am. I’m trying to learn that who I am doesn’t matter so much.   I think He’s sifting me.  He’s making room.  For something.   Wonderful?  Terrible?  Mundane?  I have no idea.  And I could be light years off base and merely fooling myself because I want to believe.   Don’t underestimate the power of self-delusion.   Look at any  politician and you’ll get my point.

All I’m saying is this… I’m attempting to make baby steps toward the I AM.  It doesn’t matter which direction I come from, if I am headed toward Him, earnestly seeking,  I will find Him.  That is what I am choosing to believe.

Even a Grateful Pet can do that.

  • julie Thompson

    Now you’re talking like the real Heidi I have known and loved thru the good years and bad. You are being refined in the fire and I truly think that I can see a glimpse of the gold…shining, glistening, sparkling in your hair and eyes, the windows of your soul Keep believin’ xoxo Your Jewel Your watchman on the wall

  • PebbleKeeper

    I see you. This is the voice of the one that I adore. Loving you!

  • Big Cat

    You have spoken as one who has a heart for God.

    We fall down, we get up, we fall down, we get up. I was talking with a friend the other day about which Biblical character we most look forward to visiting with on that glorious day when we ‘graduate’. For me it’s David because despite his obvious human failings, and he had some doosies, he was a man after God’s own heart. Often I feel like a pretender because despite my desire to be more spiritual, more Godly, more…like Him, I fail…miserably. Yet I know that my Saviour, in spite of my behaviour, continues to love and call me back. I sense that in your post. You love God and despite the pain you have endured and the scars left behind, you hear His voice. Praise the living God!!! You belong…to HIM!!!

  • I get what you are saying. At some point in our walk with God I must settle in my mind and spirit that everything may not work out as I have planned. God isn’t like a parent where “I pick up my room I get a treat”. I honestly wish He were right now. I grew up believing that If I did what I was told there would be a reward. What if there is no reward at least not a reward that looks like something I would want to put on a plaque. I’m beginning to understand why so many people are satisfied simply going to church, singing a hymn, praying for someone, and never really getting down and dirty with God. There are few guarantee’s when you step off the cliff. The only thing you know for sure is you will fall and God will catch you. But the catch is in the catch. We don’t know how far God will allow us to go before He reaches out and takes us in. We know His timing is perfect, at least we’re told that and I do believe it somewhere in the recesses of my upbringing. But during the free-fall that’s not a whole lot of comfort is it.

  • Great post, I love these thoughts.