I have wondered…

January 16, 2008

If I would have been more serious about life and treated that one boy with greater kindness?  The one  I loved desperately and was too proud to show it.   He would have been good to me.  If I’d have let him.  Would I be married to a pilot right now?  He grew up to be an amazing man and I’m ashamed to say how I treated him.

If I’d opted to stay home and go to university?  Would I be a lawyer in city court right now? I prepared for that, lived for that dream and orchestrated much of my “life plan” around that.  At least,  that was my plan before self-destructive behavior limited my vision and I ran away to Oregon.

If I would have stayed Executive Assistant to that Big Wig?  Could we have survived the transition of me working so many hours outside our home? Would I have become childless and successful or divorced and broken?  Power hungry and lonely or focused and committed?

If we’d stayed in So. Cal., living on Main St., where we would we be?  Who would we be? Would we have fallen into the commercialized hamster wheel of prestige, financial gain and “success” so glamorized to us by Jeanie, Bill and the rest?  Could we have survived?  Could I have survived?

Life is a series of crossroads, isn’t it. One little decision causing a chain reaction that propels you into a serious of events culminating in this very moment.  This very life.

“No one is told what might have been,” said Aslan.  So very true.   But I’ll have to admit I tend to side with Lucy and I still wonder.

Sometimes there is an ache in my heart that never quite goes away.  I will never have the chance to make things right with that boy.  Somethings can’t be fixed and stay broken.  I still haven’t gotten the degree I wanted or the education I crave.   Don’t get me wrong.  I know G-d is giving me a completely different education, and it is obviously the one I need rather than the one I want.  But to have a dream for so long… Que sera.  I’m relieved I didn’t stay in the predatory environment with the Big Wig and I’m not sorry we don’t live in California anymore.

I am at peace with my life and where G-d has brought me today.   I merely wish I could have arrived through a series of better decisions and not such a mish-mash of regrettable actions and discarded dreams.

Perhaps there’s a reason I can’t let go of that boy and what happened all those years ago.  I still pray for him.  And his wife.  For their blessing and their marriage.  Their life and for success.  I am relieved I didn’t become the Professional and I still have a Plan for continuing education.  Where I live has become of such low importance I think I could actually still be who I am regardless of location.

Sometimes I wonder.  Sometimes I ponder.  And it gives me perspective and helps me take seriously the small crossroad I may see in front of me.

There are no small decisions.

  • Heidi,

    I’ve had some of those same thoughts as well.

    Maybe God purposely didn’t allow us to make the right decisions in the past, get the best education, etc., knowing that we’d become more self-sufficient, and self-reliant.

    If we had the power to fix everything, why would we ever need to God to help us through it?

  • AJW308

    I have a “that girl”. First love of my life. I was at the top of her beta list. Looking back, I was to nice to her. What was the alternative? Treat her as badly as her boyfriends?

    We’d hangout a lot. If she had a boyfriend, I’d hear “Oh, AJW308, if it wasn’t Craig/Curt/Jimmy/etc, it’d be you”.

    I’d wait patiently, knowing that this relationship was doomed, till the recent tragedy would end. Then when I’d ask her out “Oh, AJW308, I don’t want to loose you as a friend.”

    Wash, rinse, repeat. Took me a while till I accepted the the truth. Then I still wasn’t one to settle for a Plan “B”.

    The black comic irony of the statement “We had to destroy the village to save it.” is just as applicable to how I’d have had to of treated her to be her boyfriend. I couldn’t do it.

    Last time I saw her, I didn’t get to talk to her, but she just stood there, looking sad and forlorn like that girl on the windswept prairie by that famous American artist, Whittaker, Wentworth, W-something. Same dress even.

    I’m not sure it if was my imagination or if she really looked at me with a look that said “Where were you?”

    It was a lose/lose scenario for me from day 1. I couldn’t win and what I had to do to win, I wouldn’t do.

    On a tangentially related note, I’m attending a men’s function at my church. In one of the sessions, the speaker talked about the stages of life that men go through. He stated that in the late teens to twenties, men attempt to make things happen and make something of themselves and that in their 30’s and 40’s they live the life they’ve made for themselves. He did tie in the earlier and older age groups too, but since they didn’t really apply, don’t recall what they were.

    Sometimes stuff fits, sometimes it doesn’t. I certainly haven’t accepted what I’ve made of myself. In my spare time, I’m starting a company that there is a definite niche here for.

    But I’m a fighter and not in the way that one usually imagines. I have a standard that I want and I won’t give up till I get it. I’ll be peaceful and patient, but I’ll never stop when I know what I want.

    I know that I march to the beat of my own drummer, but the other drummers, well, they just aren’t acceptable to me.

  • I can honestly admit I don’t have thoughts very often at all of pondering the past and how my choices could have been made differently… what could have been… etc.

    I do question with ernest, however, what if I took my RCMP training? What if I decide to move across provinces getting closer to the mountains? Wouldn’t it be fantastic to win $25 million in lottery!

    The past is where it needs to be. Dealt with, learned from, and moving on…

    For me, that’s how it is. It’s how I see it.

    La, la, la…
    WW 🙂

  • Athor Pel

    If only we knew then what we know now. Things would have been soooo different.

    It goes through my mind every so often.

  • Wow, what a profound and wonderful post.
    Seriously, one of your best, EVER.
    I’ve got so many thoughts swirling in my head now, I don’t know what to say next!
    You are a terrific writer. Thanks for the food for thought.

  • He grew up to be an amazing man and I’m ashamed to say how I treated him.

    I think we all have those regrets about our childhood behaivour, either about the way we treated someone, or, through inaction, allowed another to be treated. I still remember times when kids were picked on and I did nothing to stop it. I’d like to think I would behave differently now, but in this hyper-litigious society we live in, I can’t be sure I would.

  • AJW308

    Computer games you can go back to a saved point and redo what you screwed up. No such thing in real life.

    But then computer games always have an out or a solution to a problem. Not so in real life.

    I don’t dwell in the past. The biggest thing I gained, looking back, was when I realized that the things that didn’t work out the way I wanted them to weren’t due to any shortcomings of mine.

  • Funny, same sort of thoughts have plagued me over the last year or two. Is it something built into human nature? Is it a ploy of the deceiver to try to get us to not like where our LORD has brought us? I don’t know.

    Weird thing: there was “that girl” for me to. Last year, I somehow found here on the WWW and emailed briefly. As it turns out, she had some kind of condition then and didn’t even recall a lot about our time. At least it explained how she went away and came back 6 months later engaged to someone else.

    Strange how our G_d works.

  • Athor Pel

    I hate to be the bearer of possible bad news but, I’ve heard the ‘brain trauma’ excuse myself, twice. It’s what they do when they themselves can’t live with what they’ve done.

    I think the rationale goes like this, “I don’t need to repent of what I can’t remember. Therefore everything is a-ok. And if I don’t remember it then nobody else can bring it up expecting me to feel remorse, so they don’t.”

    Of course this is all a big guess on my part but I’ve seen the same type of lie perpetrated too many times.

    Bottom line, if you haven’t seen the medical records or know an eyewitness to the accident itself then it probably didn’t happen.

  • gephartr

    Either way, the life that I have been given is wonderful. I just find it strange that after 15 years I would even think about it. Maybe I’m just reaching that mid-life thing. 😉

  • If we could just go back in time and take our experience with us. It’s hard to not get the feeling when you’re surrounded by all of the wealth and cool stuff that you’re living a pointless life when things don’t quite work out.