If I would have been more serious about life and treated that one boy with greater kindness? The one I loved desperately and was too proud to show it. He would have been good to me. If I’d have let him. Would I be married to a pilot right now? He grew up to be an amazing man and I’m ashamed to say how I treated him.
If I’d opted to stay home and go to university? Would I be a lawyer in city court right now? I prepared for that, lived for that dream and orchestrated much of my “life plan” around that. At least, that was my plan before self-destructive behavior limited my vision and I ran away to Oregon.
If I would have stayed Executive Assistant to that Big Wig? Could we have survived the transition of me working so many hours outside our home? Would I have become childless and successful or divorced and broken? Power hungry and lonely or focused and committed?
If we’d stayed in So. Cal., living on Main St., where we would we be? Who would we be? Would we have fallen into the commercialized hamster wheel of prestige, financial gain and “success” so glamorized to us by Jeanie, Bill and the rest? Could we have survived? Could I have survived?
Life is a series of crossroads, isn’t it. One little decision causing a chain reaction that propels you into a serious of events culminating in this very moment. This very life.
“No one is told what might have been,” said Aslan. So very true. But I’ll have to admit I tend to side with Lucy and I still wonder.
Sometimes there is an ache in my heart that never quite goes away. I will never have the chance to make things right with that boy. Somethings can’t be fixed and stay broken. I still haven’t gotten the degree I wanted or the education I crave. Don’t get me wrong. I know G-d is giving me a completely different education, and it is obviously the one I need rather than the one I want. But to have a dream for so long… Que sera. I’m relieved I didn’t stay in the predatory environment with the Big Wig and I’m not sorry we don’t live in California anymore.
I am at peace with my life and where G-d has brought me today. I merely wish I could have arrived through a series of better decisions and not such a mish-mash of regrettable actions and discarded dreams.
Perhaps there’s a reason I can’t let go of that boy and what happened all those years ago. I still pray for him. And his wife. For their blessing and their marriage. Their life and for success. I am relieved I didn’t become the Professional and I still have a Plan for continuing education. Where I live has become of such low importance I think I could actually still be who I am regardless of location.
Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I ponder. And it gives me perspective and helps me take seriously the small crossroad I may see in front of me.
There are no small decisions.