Really. I am not. Although I have to admit to spending a bit too much time on my computer NOT doing fun things.
What do 60 kids, 34 moms, 25 siblings and a few occasional dads have in common?
Well, on Monday of this past week? Me. And a homeschool thingamabob called “Classical Conversations”.
Eight spectacular tutors and I managed to pull all these elementary to early middle school aged students together for Latin, geography, art, science, math, history and other memory work. We prayed for each other, sweated by each other in the billion degree building and, by the end of the day, walked out having learned some sign language (John 1:1), some art skills, a science project and hopefully we even made some new friends. I showed up at 7:30 and crawled home at 5:00…
Cuz, I’m the girl in the Big Hat. And I am pretty sure that nobody but me sees me as the Emperor with No Clothes but it’s definitely a bit above my ambition level or what I believe to be my skill set.
Which makes me thankful that God likes to use us in our weakness because, perhaps, He shines through more clearly than if He had to bulldoze through all the things I feel proud about. Like my excessive use of a Laminator and the joy it brings or the list making maven that I am. If He’d asked me to do nothing but make lists or laminate stuff I wouldn’t have prayed for a second. I’d have said, “Yeah, I have this one down, Lord. Go ahead and take care of somebody in Africa. Heidi’s gonna rock at this office supply stuff.”
Nope, instead I am in a place where I had to inform, invite, enroll and inspire all these people. I have had to lesson plan, craft, problem solve and mediate. Instead of only walking around kissing the sweetest faces EVAR I am walking around putting out small fires and encouraging these precious tutors who are overwhelmed by the task at hand. I am in a position where a woman I admire and want to treat with deference as she is older than I and reminds me VIVIDLY of my own sister, Julie, is behaving badly and, as the Director and her employer, I must deal wisely and firmly with her as we jockey a bit for position.
So, yeah, since God is walking me through THIS kind of stuff? I pray a lot. I cry a bit. “I’m not BIG enough, can’t You see?”, I whisper to a quiet wall at 3AM.
And then, all that work, all those quick prayers, those last minute shopping lists come together in one, exciting, overwhelming, personally stretching day.
And I am glad I didn’t think I was going to be amazing at this job. I just knew God would be. I prayed He would bring together like minded families who would want to seek community, accountability and would let me love on them, encourage them and that somehow, through all of this work I’ve done, God would instill within them a joy and passion for their own education that is infectious and will revolutionize their homes and families.
Don’t know if we’re there yet but I can see a glimmer in the distance of what is possible. And it looks like grace, compassion and hope.
And I know it’s God because somehow, some way, in the middle of this, I have a sense of peace and empowerment I never imagined.
And the Mr. thinks I’m doing amazingly well.And then he said I’m really smart.
Honestly, if you ever want to flatter me and make me love you? Tell me I’m competent and intelligent.
It’s like a fat kid with a cupcake.