Family Business

Losing My Mind

January 26, 2010

Well, that’s what it feels like.  Today.

So, to compensate I have spent hours and hours cleaning, revamping, organizing and making bullet point lists until my family thinks I may have lost my ability to cogitate coherently.  They are partly right.

You have cocaine.  I have a label maker, clear plastic totes and stacking drawer units.   Don’t be a hater.

When I don’t “cope” well… Um… It’s not pretty.   Really.  Not. Pretty.   I get depressed,  self-hating,  vicious and I self-medicate with all sorts of sugary nonsense which, of course, only exacerbates the situation.

These are a list, in no particular order, of the things that I maintain on a regular basis to help keep me sane:

1.  I have Sunday time to prepare for the week.  This means I require quiet evening time to think through school assignments, menu planning and grocery lists.

2.  I must have a daily schedule (by the hour) that hems me in.   I schedule lunch. Every day.  It’s so I don’t forget to feed my children…  Yes. I have been guilty of being That Mom.

3.  I can’t have more than 2 evening commitments per week outside of normal family shenanigans.  I don’t have a deep well of empathy, compassion or inner-giving and once it is gone? It’s the Mr. & the boys who suffer.

4.  I don’t talk on the phone much.   I avoid it when possible and send texts (a blessing from above) as often as possible.    This is not because I hate my friends but because once I get sucked into a conversation I forget what I was doing, where I was going, why it mattered and I can’t find all of it again… I vacillate and get frustrated.

5.  I have to be left completely alone one afternoon a week.   Just  a couple of hours.  No phone… No voices… No “needs”.   Oh, I’ll work at home on the business, house-work, bill or whatever.  You know, keep the ball rolling?  But I need to have no PEOPLE around me.  And then I’ll miss them terribly, they come home, we have dinner and I’m happy.

6. I need mental frivolity to have both a start and an end point.  A timer on the TV/computer would be great.  Or a giant hammer from the sky.  That seemed to work very well for Bugs Bunny.  This is my biggest struggle.  Teh Interwebs are SOO limitless in their entertainment potential.

7.  I have a study (book & Bible) with 2 close friends that I faithfully attend on Tuesday evenings.   This keeps me accountable to reading and studying the Word, maintaining relationships (something which I completely SUCK at) and provides a safe sounding board for my nutjobbery perspective.

8.  Once a week date with the Mr.  This is Not Fancy.   Coffee at a coffee shop,  a trip to the thrift store, a long walk.  Sometimes dinner, sometimes a movie.   Just a couple hours alone to remember we are people who like each other.

9.  I write.  To see if my thoughts are productive or destructive.   To find Truth in a messy  situation.   To let off steam.   Because the words sometimes tumble out and there’s nowhere else to go with them.  To connect with a world that only knows me as thought and not as the mom/wife/friend/sister/commodity.

If I can keep all these things in balance?  I am a Very Nice Person.

If not?

Whimpering may will commence.

See, I won’t have all these commitments with home-education, self-employed,  husbandry and character development mashed together into a 24 hour period forever.  This is a season.   It is a season of learning to self-manage, home-manage and family manage.  And if I do it well and whole heartedly?  There are three other humans whose lives will be blessed.   The only three that matter.

And if I don’t?   Well, eventually I will stand in front of G-d and try not to make excuses.

So,why am I wasting time writing all this down?

It’s part of my process to remember what is important.

Remember #9?

  • Are you SURE we aren’t related? You do sound an awful lot like me.

  • Are you SURE we aren’t related? You do sound an awful lot like me.

  • Are you SURE we aren’t related? You do sound an awful lot like me.