Well, that’s what it feels like. Today.
So, to compensate I have spent hours and hours cleaning, revamping, organizing and making bullet point lists until my family thinks I may have lost my ability to cogitate coherently. They are partly right.
You have cocaine. I have a label maker, clear plastic totes and stacking drawer units. Don’t be a hater.
When I don’t “cope” well… Um… It’s not pretty. Really. Not. Pretty. I get depressed, self-hating, vicious and I self-medicate with all sorts of sugary nonsense which, of course, only exacerbates the situation.
These are a list, in no particular order, of the things that I maintain on a regular basis to help keep me sane:
1. I have Sunday time to prepare for the week. This means I require quiet evening time to think through school assignments, menu planning and grocery lists.
2. I must have a daily schedule (by the hour) that hems me in. I schedule lunch. Every day. It’s so I don’t forget to feed my children… Yes. I have been guilty of being That Mom.
3. I can’t have more than 2 evening commitments per week outside of normal family shenanigans. I don’t have a deep well of empathy, compassion or inner-giving and once it is gone? It’s the Mr. & the boys who suffer.
4. I don’t talk on the phone much. I avoid it when possible and send texts (a blessing from above) as often as possible. This is not because I hate my friends but because once I get sucked into a conversation I forget what I was doing, where I was going, why it mattered and I can’t find all of it again… I vacillate and get frustrated.
5. I have to be left completely alone one afternoon a week. Just a couple of hours. No phone… No voices… No “needs”. Oh, I’ll work at home on the business, house-work, bill or whatever. You know, keep the ball rolling? But I need to have no PEOPLE around me. And then I’ll miss them terribly, they come home, we have dinner and I’m happy.
6. I need mental frivolity to have both a start and an end point. A timer on the TV/computer would be great. Or a giant hammer from the sky. That seemed to work very well for Bugs Bunny. This is my biggest struggle. Teh Interwebs are SOO limitless in their entertainment potential.
7. I have a study (book & Bible) with 2 close friends that I faithfully attend on Tuesday evenings. This keeps me accountable to reading and studying the Word, maintaining relationships (something which I completely SUCK at) and provides a safe sounding board for my nutjobbery perspective.
8. Once a week date with the Mr. This is Not Fancy. Coffee at a coffee shop, a trip to the thrift store, a long walk. Sometimes dinner, sometimes a movie. Just a couple hours alone to remember we are people who like each other.
9. I write. To see if my thoughts are productive or destructive. To find Truth in a messy situation. To let off steam. Because the words sometimes tumble out and there’s nowhere else to go with them. To connect with a world that only knows me as thought and not as the mom/wife/friend/sister/commodity.
If I can keep all these things in balance? I am a Very Nice Person.
Whimpering may will commence.
See, I won’t have all these commitments with home-education, self-employed, husbandry and character development mashed together into a 24 hour period forever. This is a season. It is a season of learning to self-manage, home-manage and family manage. And if I do it well and whole heartedly? There are three other humans whose lives will be blessed. The only three that matter.
And if I don’t? Well, eventually I will stand in front of G-d and try not to make excuses.
So,why am I wasting time writing all this down?
It’s part of my process to remember what is important.