Family Business

Lower than algae

December 21, 2007

or men who hit women.

Roxi, Dina, I’m sorry. I just needed a place to vent.

The platitudes have been said, the encouraging words have been spoken. The shaking, cold vitriol beneath the surface has risen to the top and I simply must speak.

I knew it the first moment I laid eyes on him. I knew. Don’t ask me how. I cried like a baby on their wedding day. I’ve prayed, with despair, ever since. When I got the “urgent prayer request” email I knew and dammit, I didn’t want to know. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to have been cynical, suspicious and just plain nasty wrong. You have no idea how desperately I wanted to be proven wrong. I would have begged forgiveness in front of the entire family and worn denim jumpers and white sneakers for the rest of my life. I would have given up candy, diet Pepsi and lipstick.

But I was right and am now so angry I can hardly type. I’m shaking.

The little 9mm and the 45 are whispering veiled and not so veiled threats from the cabinet where they hide away. If only… See, I’m a fighter, not a lover. Don’t get me wrong. I love. But this victimization, this outrage against someone I love.

My oldest boy came in to my office a few minutes ago. “Momma, what’s going on?” “It’s not something you need to think about, baby,” I replied. “Just know, that when you are a man, if you ever beat a woman, I will personally make sure you go to jail. Even though you are my son.” He blinked and said, “Ok, Mom.”

There is no justifiable excuse for a muscular 6’5″ man to EVER strike his wife and as far as I’m concerned she has every right to walk away from him forever.

This is a standing agreement between my husband and myself. If he hits me, he will never see me or his children again. Ever. Since we are a household committed to fairplay, the reverse is also true. There are boundaries that love simply does not cross.

Wife-beaters are lower than algae and among the most despicable of men. I had little respect for the man 3 months ago. Now I despise him.

Still, she loves him and for that and the hope of redemption I will pray for both.

Even though, at the moment, I am nauseated and violently angry.

This girl, his wife? My niece, my beautiful niece. I was there that day. That day when she was 2, when she came to live with my sister and was terrified of everyone. She’d been in seven fosterhomes in twenty-four months, her mother in jail and G_d only knows what happened to her on the reservation. What an amazing woman she has become. Unfortunately, she wasn’t prepared for this reality and at 19 she is in a place where she’s making decisions I wouldn’t wish on my enemies.

Now would not be a good time for anyone to cross me. I’m too furious to care.

  • Yep.

  • Yep.

  • AJW308

    My Nephew-in-Law is hitting his wife. Between them, size is definitely on his side.

    I’d like to point out to him that no matter who you are, there is always someone bigger and that he can pass through a wall or door if enough force is applied. I’ve done one of each to a lowlife that had it coming.

    Right now they are on a holiday cruise and he forgot the credit cards, but is turning it all into her fault. She’s a sharp lady, employed and self employed, but beats herself cause she has a GED. He has his Masters in psych and knows how to hurt, wound, and rend on the emotional and verbal level as well as pacify their marriage counselor with pablum psych talk.

    Have I mentioned that his children cry “No Daddy, no Daddy” when they see him pull up at daycare or that my wife has noticed that his daughter will not be in the same room as him, if she can help it? Makes one wonder what can do that to a 2 and 3 year old.

    I think of some of the 48 Hours Mysteries that I’ve seen and wonder if she’ll return with the family from the cruise. She has told him that she’s ready to divorce him when they return.

    My ex ‘deserved to be hit’, but I was always the gentleman with her. One has to live with oneself. Plus there are promises that a husband has made, spoken and unspoken, to his wife.

    But I’m not furious, I’m ice cold calm. Right now all I can do is wait. Maybe we have different approaches, but I think our end goal is the same.

    Heidi, I do take exception when you call him a man. Maybe anatomically he is, but emotionally and socially, he’s something far less.

    And you know, I really hope that this comment doesn’t come back to haunt me in a court room.

  • AJW308

    My Nephew-in-Law is hitting his wife. Between them, size is definitely on his side.

    I’d like to point out to him that no matter who you are, there is always someone bigger and that he can pass through a wall or door if enough force is applied. I’ve done one of each to a lowlife that had it coming.

    Right now they are on a holiday cruise and he forgot the credit cards, but is turning it all into her fault. She’s a sharp lady, employed and self employed, but beats herself cause she has a GED. He has his Masters in psych and knows how to hurt, wound, and rend on the emotional and verbal level as well as pacify their marriage counselor with pablum psych talk.

    Have I mentioned that his children cry “No Daddy, no Daddy” when they see him pull up at daycare or that my wife has noticed that his daughter will not be in the same room as him, if she can help it? Makes one wonder what can do that to a 2 and 3 year old.

    I think of some of the 48 Hours Mysteries that I’ve seen and wonder if she’ll return with the family from the cruise. She has told him that she’s ready to divorce him when they return.

    My ex ‘deserved to be hit’, but I was always the gentleman with her. One has to live with oneself. Plus there are promises that a husband has made, spoken and unspoken, to his wife.

    But I’m not furious, I’m ice cold calm. Right now all I can do is wait. Maybe we have different approaches, but I think our end goal is the same.

    Heidi, I do take exception when you call him a man. Maybe anatomically he is, but emotionally and socially, he’s something far less.

    And you know, I really hope that this comment doesn’t come back to haunt me in a court room.