November 7, 2007

J was sleeping with the karate teacher and A wondered why he wasn’t getting any. T was sleeping with R and their spouses wondered what the hell happened. D liked to find satisfaction on the internet and A got angry. A found a bunch of guys at work and D felt justified by the decision to fly solo with copious quantities of visual aids. A was lonely while R was sleeping with the FOSTER BOYS!

What the hell, folks! What the hell! These people are REAL. Folks I have considered friends and all, every last freakin’ one of them professing believers. Several in full-time ministry.

At different points in their marriages they all really liked each other. They all have children and attended church regularly. Volunteered above and beyond. Not just benchwarmer Christians but the kind you ask to be deacons. Most of them. Until… TSHTF

You know what this tells me? Marriage is a system where you never “arrive” but always, every day, evaluate and work your ass off to make today better than yesterday. Both of you. No one gets a pass.

I’m tired of the whiny wives who look like shit most days and wonder why their husbands aren’t interested in pursuing them. I am sick of the Flannel Nazi men who treat their wives like crap and then wonder why the Mrs. isn’t interested in him.

But you know what I am sick of the most? All this psychobabble bitching about “my needs”. Felt needs, unconscious needs, intimacy needs and emotional needs and then the “obvious” but not really needs.

Let’s talk about needs. You need to breathe, eat some protein, consume a variety of minerals and vitamins and drink water. You don’t really “need” clothes but polite society demands it. You need shelter of some kind to survive but you don’t need that big house. You don’t need three vehicles and you really don’t need someone to wait on you hand and foot.

My s-i-l has a new friend. He sounds like a nice guy, I guess. He made my m-i-l’s happy list because he “takes care of her” and “makes sure she’s happy all the time”. Gag.

My husband’s job isn’t to make me happy. It’s really nice when it happens, but not necessary. He works to provide for me and there have been been plenty of times in the last 13 years when he’s pissed me off so bad I can’t see straight while working diligently to take make sure my needs were taken care of. It’s his job to be the objective voice of reason when I can’t see the vision for our life together. It’s my job to be his objective voice of reason when he’s stuck in that same spot.

We are each other’s biggest fan and the quickest way to get me to write you completely off? Treat him badly.

Marriage isn’t a magic pill that throws us into a state of perpetual bliss and sexual nirvana. Marriage is the hardest and most amazing work I’ve ever done. Marriage is two completely different and complex individuals with their own baggage coming together and blending. Sort of like the San Andreas fault hitting its sides together on some days but the end result is one life out of two lives.

So, here’s to marriage when he’s an ass and she’s a bitch and you still kiss each other goodnight. Here’s to marriage when you take turns staying up with the offspring who has puked for 2 days straight. Here’s to those who have been married long enough to experience “empty nest” and actually still have date night. Here’s to the wife who doesn’t encourage the guy who flirts with her in line at the bank or offers to buy her a drink on “girls night out”. She’s trustworthy. Here’s to the husband who can treat women with politeness but doesn’t cross the line into familiarity. He’s trustworthy. Here’s to holding hands when nothing else works and keeping alive the hope that tomorrow may bring a solution today simply isn’t offering.

And to the newbies who don’t have a clue and think it’s all about how great they feel and how happy he makes her?

Good luck with that!