August 13, 2007

Sometimes finding the truth of an issue can be as frustrating as attempting to capture mist in your hand and carry it home for study.

A lovely concept in theory but rarely feasible in real life.

Without going into boring details, I will, in summation, say I have been through a harrowing ordeal this summer. In both my private and public life. How does one bounce back from that? You can be assured I’m not entirely certain. Of one thing I am certain and it is this, I won’t look the same again. Probably ever. I have been changed.

I was told today that what happened would be enough to send some people to an insane asylum and yet because I am “so strong” I am really coping well.

Newsflash… I’m not strong.

I’m determined.

I’m determined to learn this lesson so I will be saved the anguish of repeating it. Determined to remember this lesson so I could possibly be spared the 2nd verse of the same song and it ‘s ensuing price tag. Determined to hear whatever G-d may be saying to me regardless of the cost. I am determined to be as completely cognizant of the reality of my own failures and weaknesses as I am able. I am determined to find those faults which led me to this place in the beginning.

As the result of poor choices on the part of myself and some of my acquaintances, I have been damaged. Broken. Filleted. Or is that flayed…

Doesn’t matter, they both apply. As ugly and outlandish as they sound the words seem so 2-dimensional when compared to the depth of response which has been dragged, kicking and screaming, from my spirit and soul.

It is as though I am sifting mist with sweaty palms and hoping to find a piece or two of tangible truth upon which to hold fast. I can’t tell anyone how long this process will take. I have good days and bad, hope and fear. Where I would have spoken boldly and held my ground I find myself quiet and contemplative, introspective and easily intimidated.

I’ve determined I cannot wait for someone else to take the steps needed to drag me from this pit. That’s apparently my job. My question remains:

How do I stand fast and resolute when it seems all I am holding onto is vapor, a whisper, a shadow? Upon what do I build and rebuild? How does one guard the heart without guarding oneself to a perpetual state of loneliness?

As I told my husband yesterday, “There are no honorary doctorates in the kingdom of G-d, we earn every credit through blood, sweat and tears.”

You can quote me. He said he would.