I am heartily sick of being nice. It’s been a very long time since I felt the freedom to just be. Even be offensive if I want to be. Guilty pleasure.
See, I’m Joann Average Christian now. 2.5 children (each pet gets .25), SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), part-time job and married beyond 10 years. I suppose I’m not really as average as I think I am since I home-school while avoiding denim jumpers and think almost black nail polish is cool and deep red lipstick should be worn any time day or night.
Anyhow… My point. Nobody cares. Nobody is watching. I have no “Game Face” needs. If I don’t want to? I don’t.
Free at last, free at last!
I’m done being Sweet. Not that I’ve got a secret desire to be a totally snarky person. I don’t. Really. Every 28 days we let the Terminatrix out but otherwise I’m fairly ok. In my own self-delusional world.
See I have lost the desire to blend. I don’t want to be socially acceptable or to look any part. I want to streak my hair, wear funky shoes and ignore the echo of Shalyn’s voice. The woman who told me once I shouldn’t do XXX because I was a Mother. Memo to self: Call Lisa. It’s chunky, funky weave time.
Do you know what I mean? I’m gonna start by being real about my faith.
Ever since I started down this road of Out of The Box Faith I’ve struggled. You know, the journey where I ended up on the outside of the Organization looking in and not really wanting to be reinstated? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t despise those on the inside with their mission and their purpose and their busy-ness and all that. Go get’em, tiger! I just don’t personally want to have anything to do with it.
So where does that leave me?
I can’t/don’t read the Word the way I used to. I don’t see G-d like I used to. I’m not sure I believe He’s all benevolent all the the time. I think He cares more for His favorites than He does for me. I think He has hung me out to dry on more than one occasion. Is that heretical? I know His eternal purposeses are “good” and “for my good” but His temporal purposes more often than not have ended me up in some pretty dark places. I know I’m supposed to smile and nod and say all the Right Things about it. But, honestly? I’m refusing to do it. You can’t make me.
Do I believe? Do I follow? Obedience is better than sacrifice, but sometimes obedience IS the sacrifice.
C’mon. Seriously? Eternal Glory, Heavenly reward. Fine. I’ve got the brochure and paid for the seminar. I’m all in. It just doesn’t look like anything I was ever told it would look like. Where’s my 40 acres and a mule? Where’s that house on the hill and the “every good thing”? I’ve been lied to. And now I have to work through who it was who lied to me.
I have friends who don’t struggle with anything that I struggle with. Do they sail through life? No, not really. I’m sure their battles are every bit as heavy as mine to them. But they don’t struggle with what I struggle with. YAY! Heidi just wrote something stupid. *whatever*
I wonder, when I don’t have a circle of friends (real friends, not just Have To’s), is it because I appear too independent? Am I too guarded? Aloof? Will I ever have a rich circle of fellowship, no matter how small? Does that make me an ungrateful wretch for the friends I do have? I’m thankful, I truly am. You know who you are.
I wonder, when we work and work and work and Do All The Right Things, why we still struggle so hard financially while some other folks rake it in for minimal effort. Is it just my “role in the body” to be the one who does without? Why does that have to effect how often my kids go to the dentist? Is that part of G-d’s mystical/mysterious plan for my life? Teach me what by depriving my children? Exactly?
I wonder, when I see people given opportunities they don’t ask for, guidance they didn’t know they needed, why I have for most of my life watched from the sidelines with no input from others. Never selected as anything special. No “precious potential/G-d’s got a purpose/You are significant” for me. Am I not worth it? Am I just one of those who should be content being a cog in the wheel being ground down to what? Ideas? Input? Just greasin’ the wheel…
I am tired of being the one who notices the outsider because I know what it feels like to never quite fit in. I get tired of being the one who reaches out because I know if I don’t no one will reach out to me. The one who encourages, looks for ways to build up, affirms others as sincerely and genuinely as I can. Because I know how hard it is to work and work and have other’s overlook both the effort and take for granted the result.
There are stages in life. I think I just entered Cynicism. Is somewhere between Acceptance and Don’t Give A Damn. Just not sure which one I’m leaning toward most heavily. I really don’t know if I can handle a conversation where someone tries to tell me how I should or shouldn’t follow G-d, hear His voice, obey His Word.
I’m not entirely sure He really cares as much as I’ve been told He does.