Working twice as hard for half the result and then finding out what you managed to accomplish wasn’t acceptable… Being rejected, overlooked, discarded without a second glance.
Working through a situation right now where I had believed I had done an excellent job only to find that I had been lied to for several months and now the hammer drops and so much depends on me getting it right.
And that old mantra, “Not. Good. Enough.” rings and resonates and resounds and bleeds through all the carefully constructed layers of competence and confidence.
I want to be angry. I want to be beaten. I want to be affirmed. I want to be… Accepted.
I send the conciliatory email. I offer a gracious response when inside I am seething.
I pray that the outward action will guard my selfish, self-indulgent heart. I won’t give voice to the hurt and the words that roil just below the surface.
I won’t allow a litany of my own self-righteousness to blunt the harshness of this lesson. Pain is important. Pain is growth. Pain is the death to self I so desperately need. I won’t treat them as they have treated me.
Truth is? I’m not good enough. I will never be good enough.
I need to be ok with that. Because He is. He endured so much more than critical comments and discouragement. He responded with kindness and compassion. From the cross.
I must keep my life in the context of a greater story than my own. When I am too weak to think of anything but my own failure… I am learning to lean on Him.