Faith & Encouragement

Overtime

July 17, 2010

Hey y’all, I’m taking a quick break from a YSOUS (Yard Sale Of Unusual Success) to say one thing…

The whole concept of marriages being in such disarray that men and women are achingly lonely in what should be the closest, most productive, most fulfilling human relationship G-d created is sad.

Beyond sad. Tragic.

As women, we have failed if we are unable to comprehend the basics of how to love the men we have been blessed with.  I believe we aren’t “commanded” to love because G-d knows that, due to the very essence of true womanhood, we are programmed to love.  We must be taught to respect.   That doesn’t come naturally to us.  Even after extensive training.  🙂

To see that we have, in general, become so violently opposed and deaf, dumb and blind to godly love in marriage is appalling.

I see good, well-meaning men truly seeking to honor G-d while struggling with strong, unmet desires and passions.  I see them struggling alone.  In a highly sensual society with temptation streaking in front of them, pursuing them and doing all it can to destroy them, it’s a miracle any husband, Christian or otherwise, has the self-control to stay faithful.

Think about that for a moment when you start accusing your brother of needing self-control because he has a strong sex drive.  I know I will.

Besides.   Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that a couple with small children and hectic work schedules can only find “time” once a week.   I know for some that’s more than usual and for others it’s like a starvation diet.

But what if, instead of a 5 minute quickie while she grocery shops in her head, she makes the effort to do all she can to Blow His Mind.  What if she is completely available,  completely engaged, and completely enamored with his effort and their time together.

What if they both came together with the commitment to make that small window in a busy life as meaningful, important and focused on the other person as they possibly are able.

What if…   I believe it would change the perspective of most women AND men toward what sex is.   Sometimes a quickie is enough for him.   Sometimes she needs to talk.

Find another time for that.

What if you planned for awesome once a week?  Just 52 times a year (approx. with exceptions for the usual and agreed upon subjects).  If that was what you could reasonably give each other and spend the time to make it smokin’….

Wouldn’t you?  Would that change how you relate to each other the rest of the time?

It’s not rocket science.  Men don’t get married to  have a housekeeper, a maid or a nanny.   They don’t get married to have platonic relationships and fellowship with their sister in the Lord. *gag*

What part of “help-meet” are we girls too stupid to understand?  Or are we too focused on helping only in the areas that feed our ego and the mis-placed concept of “nurture” which has been falsely elevated to become the highest form of womanhood?

My brothers, I am grieved by the fact that you struggle with cold, unresponsive women.  That is wrong.  I am saddened a wife would not understand the critical nature of “guarding” her husband by keeping him satisfied according to a method and expression that works to build and strengthen the relationship.

I know this rabbit trail is merely one more attempt to make sense of the nonsensical.

I wish you well.

  • Doom

    Triple it and I could choke it down. I must admit, I just realized part of why alpha, for me, has kicked in. Once a week, for me, is… more frustration than it is worth. No, no, if that works for you and your husband, fine and dandy. I almost wish it would for me.

    As I look for a wife, I keep stumbling over the fact that almost no woman I have encountered thinks any amount of physical love is needed at some point. What is worse is that they are not interested, and what is offered is… supposed to be a gift. Not interested? I have no idea what happens, but I know what my response would be if it happens again. I actually have some doubts about Game, in a relationship, being anything but a temporary fix. So, I do worry on this matter.

    Anyway. Whatever you feel about Game, at least it is giving you, and other married women, pause to consider the other side. I am not sure how much women can change their fundamental nature. I am not sure if this is fundamental nature (this lack of marital interest), or if it is a modern thing developed by and for feminists. But with the added one-sided marriage courts, custody laws, and such… It is difficult.

    The last thing is sort of about the once a week thing. If you had a pet, and only felt like feeding it once a week, how would that work out? If you have a garden, and thought watering it once a week would work, what would you gain? I suppose it depends on the pet, a snake could do that and less. Or where you lived for the garden. I just am not that kind of man. Oh, flip it. What if I asked for a measly 9 to 12 times a week? I could do that standing on my head. Hmm, actually, I’ve never tried that… Anyway. Just a few thoughts from the dark side.

  • Doom, it’s to a great degree the feminists.

    They’ve managed to criminalise the male libido..

  • Hedi,

    WOW! What a change in tone form the last post.

    If men are saying “I need more sex”. That is probably what they mean. Thanks for catching on. BTW don’t miscalculate the value of “nap time” for the couple with kids. Just saying, for no particular reason.

    File this under for what its worth. My posts and conversation on this have nothing to do with my personal marriage situation as you alluded to earlier. My interest is focused on the research I’ve been doing for that talk that I’ve spent this last year preparing. I really believe that God “made it good” and the way to enjoy it is by following the instructions. I also have come to believe that sex is also a way he teaches us about spiritual truth and unity.

  • Doom: Triple it and I could choke it down. I must admit, I just realized part of why alpha, for me, has kicked in. Once a week, for me, is… more frustration than it is worth. No, no, if that works for you and your husband, fine and dandy. I almost wish it would for me.

    Three times a week is not unrealistic. However, keep in mind the parameters I mentioned. In my scenario it was a family with young children… I can’t stress enough how much of an impact the constant interaction with little ones and the lack of sleep has on a woman. There may be a mental realization that she should be more available to her husband, but a physical limitation which makes it difficult.

    Scheduling sex isn’t sexy. But in real life it is often a necessity. I offered the young, busy family as an example because, frankly, if you could make it work AWESOMELY even 1/2 the time in that environment it could only get better from there and the relationship would be strengthened.

    When our boys were little there were times that my husband would see me at the point of exhaustion and would rescue the children from me for the afternoon so I could take a nap or catch up on something that had gone undone. I was always extremely grateful. 😉

    I believe G-d does provide a helpmeet for each husband. One suitable to his specific needs. One of those needs is, obviously, sex. And becoming “one” also means acknowledging and working together to bless one another according to the individual personalities and drives. Things which seem insurmountable in the beginning can coalesce further into marriage Another need that a husband will have in a specific way that a single man does not is the requirement of becoming more like Christ in the way He relates to His bride. I don’t pretend to comprehend the weight of that responsibility but I am thankful beyond measure that I am married to someone who takes it seriously.

    Sometimes it feels good to be refined. Finally letting go of something that has weighed you down. Sometimes it hurts like hell. Sometimes a wife brings out the best and sometimes… Not.

    Res, love nap time. We are self-employed… *giggle* However, as the boys are getting older and are homeschooled…

    I didn’t think that you were speaking from personal experience. I think this whole discussion has been about empathizing with the “Brotherhood” of men. If you didn’t know someone or have more than a passing knowledge of this kind of struggle in your brothers around you, you wouldn’t have had such a strong response or need to defend them. That’s pretty much what I have surmised in this conversation. In regards to the female responses, I think the same can be true.

    Anyhow, the YSOUS is calling my name again. And I must get going.

  • Good post.

  • Btw, just to add some spice to the discussion… It has been, in my experience, the women who were promiscuous pre-marriage who find sex the most distasteful after and the men who were promiscuous pre-marriage who find their drives to be the most, er, compelling.

    Reminds me of that verse in Song of Solomon, “Do not awaken love until it pleases”. It seems that when those desires are met illicitly or sinfully they become something quite perverted (not perverse) from the original intent of procreation, marital intimacy and relational stability.

    Of course, this will be an extremely unpopular and ridiculed opinion. It’s merely an observation from relationships I am familiar with.

  • Doom

    Heidi,

    That might be the problem I have faced, but it is something which still… worries me. I mean, I have not been married, so all of them were pre-marital in nature. I can certainly see the thing with babies, but up to a point. Mom will have to ween off that, too. I have never been in that situation either, so… Still, I am looking for a wife… and learning. But this time no intimacy before marriage. I won’t go there and if she can’t, I won’t marry her.

    Great set of discussions you opened up.

  • I can certainly see the thing with babies, but up to a point.

    I do believe it should never become an excuse. Sometimes women find it the easy way out.

    It kinda cracks me up when I’ve heard men say “I’ve never been that tired.”

    And I believe them.

    A woman’s body takes up to 2 years to hormonally recover from having a child, many families have children 2 years apart. So…You have many women going from pregnant, to nursing (6 months or more), raising a toddler and then pregnant again.

    Nothing feels the same, acts the same, responds the same after children. Promise.

    The thing that was Freakin’ AWESOME pre-children may be physically impossible after. She may want to but, actually and physiologically, feel nothing. Emotionally that is really,really hard to deal with. And we are emotional critters. No matter how much we try to deny it. After a difficult delivery certain inner bits “shift” and intercourse can be excruciatingly painful. Like, close your eyes, can’t breathe and pray for it to stop painful.

    Sure there may be a desire for intimacy but many times the physical ability is severely compromised. And after awhile?

    She gets tired of trying to please everyone. If she isn’t able to communicate to her husband because they don’t have that kind of relationship, he’s desperate for some kind of release and she’s not willing to be “creative”… Disaster.

    There are no easy answers. Sex isn’t easy for most women. For young moms and even older moms often it can become one more area where they aren’t good enough, don’t look like the girl they were or the woman they wish they were and… As odd as this may sound to you boys…

    Sometimes, when you want it so much? What we hear is that we aren’t really satisfying you. Because you are always “hungry”.

    Communication is key. It’s more than foreplay, more than afterglow, more than flowers and candlelight.

    Know what works. For both of you. And that only happens when you talk about it. Not argue. Talk. Nobody is a mind-reader. Even if they watch “Lie To Me” all the time.

    🙂

  • “Btw, just to add some spice to the discussion… It has been, in my experience, the women who were promiscuous pre-marriage who find sex the most distasteful after and the men who were promiscuous pre-marriage who find their drives to be the most, er, compelling.”

    True story. A young man and young women I was acquainted with married. He was a virgin, she not even close. She hadn’t bothered to share any of her history prior to marriage with him. He assumed she was a virgin, after all he had waited. He had told her that he had “made a mistake” dating. (he had squeezed some pre-marital booby of a girl he was engaged to) She had made a mistake, sex with lots of guys since she was about 13.

    Wedding night comes, the girl had decided that she would sacrifice her first night of approved sex as atonement for their past sins. She didn’t see the need to talk this over with her husband to be prior to the ceremony. So he learns 1. he just got married and no sex. 2. the reason he’s not getting sex is she screwed more guys than he had girlfriends.

    Instead of doing the honorable thing, annulling the marriage, he decided to stick around and work it out. (Men are horribly stupid) Today he gets next to no sex, but they are together. No kids either, cause certain kinds of scaring makes conception impossible.

    I’m thinking “game” is a very real and morally acceptable option in this case.

    I knew both of them in college. She was 3 years behind me and rumored to be an easy lay from her first week on campus. He was Mr. Christian and a year ahead of her in school. He was a youth ministry major and would have wrecked his career prospects dumping his new wife 1 week after graduation. She was the oldest daughter of a somewhat well known minister in our state.

  • Well, to be philosophically consistent and to stay to what was done Biblically?

    He should get a concubine or a second wife. One who could provide children for him.

    First, his wife is blatantly in sin as she is not:

    A) Recognizing that her body belongs to her husband
    B) Not submitting to her husband.
    C) Not respecting her husband

    Secondly, no offense to your friend, but they are both stupid. They need some serious counseling and years of work to get through this.

    Thirdly…. He’s got issues too, apparently.

    A) It’s not just about sex, it’s about loving your wife. And he’s willing to let the status quo be what it is. That’s not love. It’s acquiescence. He’s a pansy.
    B) He is letting her assume leadership in the relationship by allowing her to call the relational shots. I don’t think that happened on the wedding night. I’m sure it was in play before that.
    C) He is willing to live in a relationship where he is not respected… Dude, NUT UP!

    Should he treat her badly, make himself attractive to other women, and ignore the needs that she has which are glaringly obvious in order to save his marriage?

    I find that hard to swallow.

    Should he refuse to let her make the decisions that direct their family unit, allow her to feel the consequences of her choices and require her to get some professional help for her obvious issues? Absolutely.

  • He’s not really a friend. I knew him slightly in college. Every once in a great while we are in contact.

    15 years ago I told him not to marry her. I didn’t have the guts to tell him what I knew then, which was about her history. Its turned into a miserable failure of a marriage one that has to be kept up for his career.

    He should have called it off after she refused him on the wedding night and told him why.

    The only thing he can do is ALPHA up and quit being a doormat. I said this to him a time or two.

    I don’t know why she stays with him, although I do understand why he stays married to her. At first it was because he was in wuv, and wanted to believe grace could cover it all. Now I think its just because he wants to keep his respectable image and his job.