Struggles I can handle. Come at me with pain, anguish, confusion and self-doubt.
But blessings? Kindness?
I am non-plussed.
When I consider that it is God’s kindness that leads me to repentance, His goodness that draws me like a moth to the flame I am reduced to silence.
In the midst of a life of tumult and conflict, I find myself in a simple, gentle place. My faith confident and my heart secure.
We have opportunities filling our every moment right now. Precious, incredible people who have surrounded us.
And I am beyond humbled. Not in a Christian-speak kind of way where it really means that I think I deserve all of this but I’m putting on the “mantle of humility” so you like me even better.
But humbled, ready to kneel. Unwilling to embrace. Can’t look up. Not worthy. So not worthy.
I read the most recent tutor application and as I gained insight into a person I knew only very little about, I was moved to tears. That a woman of this caliber, of this passion, of this…. She would want to work with me. For me.
And I am compelled to pray. To offer up this responsibility, this hope of my small effort being rewarded with a fruitful harvest, as the Lord wills. I must. I’m not enough to make it worthwhile. To bring goodness from concerted and expended diligence.
How many years have I spent on the sidelines waiting for a moment. For a hand to reach out and say, “You are worthy, come with me.” How many times have I second-guessed myself right out of a moment of purpose, failing to even recognize the crossroads until the decision had already, passively or actively, already been made.
In writing about discipleship earlier I was forced to confront a very real issue in my own heart.
I’ve never been discipled. Not in the way I see in Scripture, not in the way I have seen the Spirit lead me to walk beside those in my life. I’ve never had someone pick me out of the crowd as “unique” and “worthwhile”. I’ve not had the experience of becoming someone’s “project”. It just hasn’t happened.
Years ago, as I cried my eyes out trying to understand why every woman I knew had a Titus 2 woman while I sat alone in the congregation I defiantly cried out to the Lord. “Fine! If nobody here sees me as valuable! I’ll be Your project! You can disciple me!!!”
And then I pouted.
Because I’m cool like that.
And I know He condescended to hear me. I know it. Because He has. The care and compassion I have received from my God, the tender leading, the overwhelming clarity of His presence… He has held me close. He has spoken to me. He has shown me what His heart looks like and where I fall short. He has refined me, continues to refine me and will perfect me until that Day.
I no longer yearn for someone to “find me” like some agonized teenager on American Idol.
I have been found. He is faithful.
My world is upside down. Filled with good things, affirmations and opportunity. A veritable AM/PM of Too Much Good Stuff.
And when I believed I needed all of that? All I had was Jesus.
Now that things are happening?
All I want is Him.
I am overwhelmed.