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Pet Sitting

August 30, 2007

Shelia asked me for a “quick rundown” of Scooby’s life since she graciously offered to watch him while we embark on the great psycho family event known as Grandma’s funeral.

Since it is 1:33 and sleep is obnoxiously eluding me, I wrote this and thought it funny enough to share.

I could be wrong. Sleep deprivation does mess with my somewhat tenuous hold on reality.

Scooby’s Average Day

Get up around 7pm, shake vigorously, irritating anyone who happens to hear you…

Pee, poop, wander about the house saying “good morning” by shoving a scratchy face in my armpit…

Eat 2 cups puppy food, make sure to spill at least 4 bits behind the dog bowl and then dump your water while anxiously seeking the “lost yummy”. Drink some water.

Drool on the floor.

Lick self repeatedly in areas which should not be seen publicly.

Whine at the door to go outside to bark at the neighbor, pee on the tree and possibly poop once again if feeling inspired.

Come inside and nap for 4.2 hours, in 12 minute intervals, as the early morning hi-jinks have obviously been too exhausting for your delicate constitution.

Follow me around the house, lying on my feet and randomly releasing odors which are reminiscent of dead things and junior high boy gym socks.

Lick self repeatedly in areas which should not be seen publicly.

Attempt to lick my face.

Fail.

Whine at the door, go outside, pee in same area so as to further enforce the spreading area of dead grass and thereby thwart Brian’s most diligent effort to actually Grow Grass in the cess pool which is our back yard.

Nap again.

Find heffalump with partial head missing. Throw stuffed animal up, catch, chase stubby tail, bench press the coffee table and dream about chasing that damn cat.

6:30 Eat 2 cups of puppy food. Eat very quickly as it is obvious starvation is imminent as I refused to share my broccoli and onions from dinner. Cruel deprivation. Heartless.

Make mess.

Barf. Walk away. Turn around and before I can clean it up, eat barf and lick chops. Yummy! Vomit!!!

Go outside. Pee. Poop. Fart. Not necessarily in that order.

Sleep all evening. Such a hard day. Completely worn out. Twitch, whine and randomly jump up at weird noises. *Making sure to NOT be under the coffee table when startled”.

At 11:30-12:00 whine at the door again, pee. Wander for 10 minutes to find Just The Right Place. Change mind and start all over. After sniffing every blade of grass in a 1/2 acre plot, poop. Run briskly back to the house, wander into crate and sleep until 7:00 am.