Rage Against the Machine

February 7, 2008

thats-a-truck.jpg This is a truck. I know this because Jeffrey, Scott, Brad, Doug, Wesley and Clayton all had one. Or two. And they drove everywhere in them. Prom, work, school. Everywhere. Wasn’t pretty. Didn’t have to be. Could drive through a snowstorm and a tornado and look the same. Could handle the washboard road by Boender’s dairy and the pot holes on the everlasting Montana freeways. Trucks. This is what they looked like when driven by boys/men who actually had one because they needed a truck and knew how to use it. These trucks were driven by guys who could throw big ‘ol bales all day one handed and would hand you your head on a platter for looking cross-eyed at their sister. Rednecks. Man, I miss Montana.

escaladeext.jpg This is not a truck. This is a pimped out penthouse suite on wheels used by people who would just as soon run you over as stop to help you if you happen to be on the side of the road. This is driven by skinny little women with fake blond hair, fake boobs, fake nails carrying fake Louis Vuitton and strutting in their velour jump suits. This is also driven by a skinny metrosexual in Armani jeans and tight t-shirts to show off his prosthetic pecs.

a-joke.jpg This is a joke. Driven by funny little guys with wigs and big red noses. Or black haired folks in jumpsuits at the Daewoo plant. “King” cab? This can also be used to beef out your Barbie house. Maybe when Ken gets to go to the store? Actual size will fit both Barbie and Ken. But only the pre-90’s Barbie without the Pamela Anderson “natural beauty” cup size.

overcompensation.jpg Over. Compensation. Much? Hmm… Mostly driven by short (under 5’5″) bald men wearing muscle shirts and distinguishable in the parking lot by the RV type drop down ladder needed to open the freakin’ door. On a positive note, you never lose your car in a parking lot and you get to see a red light no matter who stopped in front of you. On the negative side? No matter how cool you look walking down the street, holding onto a handle to swing yourself up far enough to UNLOCK the door (I’ve seen this) just makes you look like a moron.

pf_19581741941-chevrolet-pickup-1-2-ton-pickup-truck-posters.jpg Grandpas drove this kind of truck. And they always smelled like motor oil, stale coffee, work boots and rust.  These vehicles were driven by men who stood up when a woman came to the table and removed their hats when the American flag was raised.  These were men who knew the Korean Conflict was a helluva a lot more than that and men who clustered in VFW halls and remembered days long ago. Then these men would pack up and go home to Barbara, Betty or Louise. Those were Men.

picked-up-camel.jpg This is another joke. Just to show that if you ain’t a redneck you don’t know what to do with a truck. Besides. Is an Isuzu really a truck? And yes. That is a camel.

h3truckpier700.jpg And this? This makes my heart skip beats. Pretty, functional and enough carbon emissions to make Gore wet himself. I think I’m in love. I like this truck. I’d like it better camo’d and armed. But hey, you can’t have it all.

This rant brought to you by the good looking normal guy in the normal truck who insisted I go first in a crowded, slushy parking lot, then tipped his head and waved with a nice grin. Not creepy, not rude. Polite.

He drove a nice, normal truck and I felt right at home.

It’s been awhile.

  • So, then you think this one indicates that I’m overcompensating for something?

    That one’s not mine. I’m a modest feller. My current one looks more like this.

    Here’s a picture of my pit crew polishing the wheels. I would like to claim that I beat them until they got to work. The truth is I can’t seem to get them to stop. They just love playing in water and polishing chrome. The shiny parts of that truck get cleaned every single sunny day.

  • Btw, I’ve missed you. Why have you stayed away so long?

    You what? I was the one… What?


    I’m not following.

  • AJW308

    My wife is from a hick mining/logging town in Montana. So are all my in-laws.

    Nevermind that the environmentalists have shut the town down, they all owned old trucks like that.

    My wife’s first car was a truck.

    The lake my MIL’s cabin is on lets you see crayfish walking around the bottom out where it’s 30′ deep. It’s just beautiful.

    Whenever I’m there, I’ll drive the 2 hours, one way, to get about $50 of the best jerky I’ve ever tasted. It takes about 1-1/2 to 2 hours to suck the flavor out of a bit and to get it soft enough to chew.

    I’m excited because this summer is the first time in 6 years that we’ll be able to afford to visit.

    I have nothing but good things to say about Montana.

  • mike in oregon.


    the best thing about being in the ANG was driving around in the HumVees.

    first thing I did when I moved here was buy another truck. Had to unload mine for the move. I love my truck, but it will always play second fiddle to my bike.. … waiting for the roads to thaw……………..

  • Reuben

    First post needs to be big.

    I drive a 2007 Honda Ridgeline, and I love it. I drove a Toyota Tacoma prior to that. Prior to that I drove a 1980 Toyota PU that had 280,000 miles that I put on it from the day it was new.

    Call my truck a sissy truck, but that H-3 PU is not even laughable. No space, no power, no reliability, noisy, handles like a geo metro, and serves no purpose. Not a chick truck, rather a headache.

    trust me

    even though you don’t know me


  • Hey Reuben, now don’t go knockin’ my H3 fantasy. I’m a girl. I don’t HAVE to know all that stuff. I will also, unless given one, more than likely NEVER have a vehicle like that. IF I were to have the opportunity to own an Hanything, I would like a retired Army issue. As I mentioned. I like the camo and armament factor. A lot.

    I didn’t knock Honda or Toyota… So I’m confused. Toyota has come out with some amazing machines lately and even Nissan has a great ride out there which is sort of like finding out unicorns are real…

    But all these modern hot-rod SUV/luxury vehicle with towing capabilities aren’t the Redneck Haulers from my experience and they are EXPENSIVE, over-marketed, over-inflated prestige points.

    Except yours. Which I know is just a functional necessity. 😉

    All in fun. Good to see you here.


  • mike in oregon.

    One of the HumVees we used to takeout had a turret for mounting a M60. Great fun. Maybe an army surplus is in my future after this war is over and my ’90 Silverado 4×4 dies.

    What is sad is that the temperature is forecast to be nice tomorrow, but my driveway is too steep and too icy to get my bike out. Maybe I’ll give it a try anyway.

  • Mike, that is terrible! Just remember. Winter doesn’t last forever.

    The White Witch is dead.

  • Reuben

    Well, I understand that in redneck country, a Honda would probably get shot at or something. Toyota is in NASCAR and that truck series now, so they probably don’t get shot at.

    I live in Hippy-ville Colorado, so my truck, even being a Honda, is a work of the devil, mother nature rape, gas drunk, polution pumping, carbon footprint the size of texas to the locals.

    I wont own a Prius when I drive down 12 miles of snow packed and drifted dirt roads to get to work every day. I don’t much care if the bunny huggers hate me for it, because they change their mind when I pull their Volkswagen Diesel Bug out of the ditch at 5:00 in the morning.

    Really, I have always wanted a real H-1 pickup with the generator packed in the side, and winch on the front and back, but I have a wife and son, and they will not hear of an $80,000 truck when there is diapers to buy.

    Funny how that works.

  • Reuben, you are hilarious! Are you sure you aren’t my brother, Matt? You sound exactly like him. Maybe it’s just Youth Pastor Speak.

    Bunny huggers? HILARIOUS!!!! Obviously spoken by someone who has never tried to hug a bunny. They’re mean little buggers!

  • Reuben

    Well, I do that youth thing at a CC, and we all sound alike…

  • This here is my dream truck (one of them anyways) Able to haul 5.5 tones, tow 20 and if it were but a single pound heavier it would have to be a commercial vehicle (its 25,999 lbs) but I am partial to International and had I the option I would be driving one of their trucks for work instead of sitting in front of a computer screen all day or rather all night in my case.

  • Erik said:
    had I the option I would be driving one of their trucks for work instead of sitting in front of a computer screen all day or rather all night in my case.

    If that’s true, you’re wasting your life, son. Truck driving schools are everywhere and cheap. The career is worthwhile.

    It’s a life of travel and adventure that pays well. (I’d bet small money that it pays better than any night job in anything related to IT.) If you play it right so that you own your rig someday, it’s even more profitable.

    I’ve done second and third shift IT work for more years than I care to remember. I have two uncles that each have trucking businesses. I already found my out – I’m running a couple of IT businesses that are doing well now.

    But I was much tempted back then, I’m blessed now and if you’re considering it, do it!

    Trucking is a much more profitable and exciting business than IT. For every “dotcom” millionaire you show me, I’ll show you 50 “redneck” millionaires whose neighbors don’t even know they’re rich and just bitch about that damn Kenworth next door every few days.

  • DC,

    Not to answer too much for Erik, but I know he has a similar situation to yours concerning his kid. I also know he has a CDL because he used to drive a dump truck, bit his very young son is the reason he is doing IT work instead of driving.

  • Awesome post! I know a man who fits every one of those descriptions! And ya hit the nail right on the head. Although I live amongst West Virginia rednecks and good ole boys, instead of Montana ones 😉

  • Actually, it was a mixer I was driving. Not near as much fun as a dump truck would be! but I got laid off with the housing crash and I scrounged around for a job and came up with this. I like it, but I’d rather be behind the wheel. And my little one is indeed the reason that OTR is strictly off-limits to me.

    But perhaps one day I will have the money to go out and buy an older tandem dump truck and go into business for myself. Or better yet, win the lotto and never have to work for a living again.

  • Aha, Erik already pointed out the International I want. And I don’t buy that “overcompensation” slur one bit. Men buy trucks sized for the “toolbox” they carry. It’s why I always poke fun at the weenies who drive those little anemic mini-pickups. Their lackadaisical driving style betrays the complete absence of male hormones in their bloodstream. (Come on now, you know it’s true. Especially if there is a beat-up old cap on the bed, you *know* the minute you see it you’re going to need to pass, because experience has taught you it will take him at least 2.56 minutes to accelerate from a stop back up to cruising speed.)

    Here is something you can mount in the back of your truck if it doesn’t come stock with a cannon. Plus they take Visa.