Prayer Requests | Work In Process

Shards of Hearts

September 15, 2009

Sometimes things happen and they make sense.  There is an order to them.

1+1=2.

There are things that happen that blow it all to hell.   Seriously all to hell.   And even the folks on the fringes end up catching shrapnel and limping away.

My  sweet friend celebrated her birthday a few weeks ago.   She’s beautiful.   Gorgeous smile, dark curly hair.

The day before yesterday she went over to her parents house and found that her 23 year old brother had taken his own life.  Violently.

And she’s devastated.   I don’t know what to say.  There are no cliches, no trite sayings.   This is horrific.  It’s wrong.  Life shouldn’t be like this.  G-d didn’t plan for this devestation.  He couldn’t!  He allows, I know.  Free will and all that.  But this?

Brutalizing.  Demoralizing.  Confusing.

Heartbreaking.

I look at my boys and hold them a little closer.  I think of my younger brother and all his trials and my throat constricts while  my mind refuses to go to the thought of not having him only a phone call away.   Even when we don’t always communicate well.   Even when I complain about being misunderstood.

Old habits die hard.  Don’t judge me.

So I’m making food for the family tomorrow.  Because that’s what I’ve been asked to do and that’s what I know.   I picked up some inane and stupid card because I can’t just say NOTHING!

Tonight I grieve for a young man I never met and a friend who will spend a long time trying to pick up these pieces.  It’s so unfair.   Incomplete.  Without resolution and peace.

Oh, Lord,  send Your presence.  The need is so great.

  • Its been 5 years for us. The phone call. The first night. The First Week. They are all still crystal clear. It was the year after that became a blur. Trying to categorize all of the feelings. Trying to make it be just a bizarre nightmare that we could wake up from and she’d be there still. The Guilt was heaviest. The What if I called. The Why, even though written out still hangs. The worst? Judgmental people within the first days expressing their condolences with the added opinions of where her soul would go. Seriously people? Words? There are no words that help. The cards did help. People saying they didn’t understand but they were there for me, a mere sister in law, did. Letters and emails and cards of what they remembered best about her were a salve a year later. I have the compilation in my top desk drawer as I type. Knowing her life meant so much to so many helped to switch from grief of the day, to memories of a great life lived. Not soon, but a year or so later. When we were ready. Her brothers still grieve. My worst moments now are when I forget. And need an answer to a recipe or such. And go to Call. But, 5 yrs later, the joy of the years lived does overshadow the years lost. 🙂 I will pray for your friend’s heart, to keep it protected, and to mend the shattered pieces.

  • Its been 5 years for us. The phone call. The first night. The First Week. They are all still crystal clear. It was the year after that became a blur. Trying to categorize all of the feelings. Trying to make it be just a bizarre nightmare that we could wake up from and she’d be there still. The Guilt was heaviest. The What if I called. The Why, even though written out still hangs. The worst? Judgmental people within the first days expressing their condolences with the added opinions of where her soul would go. Seriously people? Words? There are no words that help. The cards did help. People saying they didn’t understand but they were there for me, a mere sister in law, did. Letters and emails and cards of what they remembered best about her were a salve a year later. I have the compilation in my top desk drawer as I type. Knowing her life meant so much to so many helped to switch from grief of the day, to memories of a great life lived. Not soon, but a year or so later. When we were ready. Her brothers still grieve. My worst moments now are when I forget. And need an answer to a recipe or such. And go to Call. But, 5 yrs later, the joy of the years lived does overshadow the years lost. 🙂 I will pray for your friend’s heart, to keep it protected, and to mend the shattered pieces.

  • Its been 5 years for us. The phone call. The first night. The First Week. They are all still crystal clear. It was the year after that became a blur. Trying to categorize all of the feelings. Trying to make it be just a bizarre nightmare that we could wake up from and she’d be there still. The Guilt was heaviest. The What if I called. The Why, even though written out still hangs. The worst? Judgmental people within the first days expressing their condolences with the added opinions of where her soul would go. Seriously people? Words? There are no words that help. The cards did help. People saying they didn’t understand but they were there for me, a mere sister in law, did. Letters and emails and cards of what they remembered best about her were a salve a year later. I have the compilation in my top desk drawer as I type. Knowing her life meant so much to so many helped to switch from grief of the day, to memories of a great life lived. Not soon, but a year or so later. When we were ready. Her brothers still grieve. My worst moments now are when I forget. And need an answer to a recipe or such. And go to Call. But, 5 yrs later, the joy of the years lived does overshadow the years lost. 🙂 I will pray for your friend’s heart, to keep it protected, and to mend the shattered pieces.

  • I’m so sorry. I’ll be praying.

  • I’m so sorry. I’ll be praying.

  • wendy

    I’m so sorry, Heidi. It’s so hard to express anything when this happens to people we love. It’s our presence they remember, I think. I was just remembering a friend who took his life last year and how much it makes me want to be aware, to ask the Lord to help me see and respond to those who are suffering that silently. Bless you.

  • alwayswright

    Heidi,
    I was thinking of your friend while I was at the beach last weekend. Praying for her a lot. With what I do, I see the devastation begin for these families…I am rarely there for the times that come the next day…the next week…the next year. I can only imagine. I am always reminded, however, that this was one moment in their loved one’s life…it does not define them. We know not the despair, loneliness, heartbreak, feelings of no self worth that they bear…they may speak them…we still cannot fully comprehend the depths…I pray this moment is not a definition for this young man…or his family. I pray God’s love and peace over them.

  • alwayswright

    Heidi,
    I was thinking of your friend while I was at the beach last weekend. Praying for her a lot. With what I do, I see the devastation begin for these families…I am rarely there for the times that come the next day…the next week…the next year. I can only imagine. I am always reminded, however, that this was one moment in their loved one’s life…it does not define them. We know not the despair, loneliness, heartbreak, feelings of no self worth that they bear…they may speak them…we still cannot fully comprehend the depths…I pray this moment is not a definition for this young man…or his family. I pray God’s love and peace over them.

  • alwayswright

    Heidi,
    I was thinking of your friend while I was at the beach last weekend. Praying for her a lot. With what I do, I see the devastation begin for these families…I am rarely there for the times that come the next day…the next week…the next year. I can only imagine. I am always reminded, however, that this was one moment in their loved one’s life…it does not define them. We know not the despair, loneliness, heartbreak, feelings of no self worth that they bear…they may speak them…we still cannot fully comprehend the depths…I pray this moment is not a definition for this young man…or his family. I pray God’s love and peace over them.