Family Business

Sorting

March 7, 2010

So I’m sitting here with my hair still in last nights pig tails,  a cup of steaming coffee and a Nyquil hangover.   Friday I pulled a stupid and ended up between a horse trailer wall and a horse.  This makes my side hurt.   Exacerbated by the hacking, dry cough I’ve been “enjoying” my side hurts MORE now than it should.

But what am I pondering?

Grief.

It’s a funny animal.   There’s the initial grief.  The blinding punch in the gut out of nowhere.     And then there’s the second guessing kind…  Is what I’m feeling acceptable?  Genuine?

Am I feeling enough?    If I’m not feeling “enough” should I feel guilty?

Leny suffered so terribly the last little while.   I know he is dancing with the Father and enjoying his rest.   There’s a bit of guilt that I am relieved that he’s gone.   I wish I would have had the chance to know him better, as an adult.   Most of my precious memories are from childhood, before the Great Upheavals.   Or at least prior to my ability to comprehend them.

And then there’s this bittersweet longing for “one more day”…  One more joke over the phone.  One more, “No, he din’t!!!” conversation.   I want to hear that booming laugh and see my sister roll her eyes.

I know.  It’s not all about me…

But, well, grief kinda is.  All about the unique and very creative ways G-d has given us to cope and to reconcile a separation that  cannot be sorted this side of eternity.

  • momma dragon

    it is natural to feel relief
    – that he no longer suffers
    and also anger that we still do.
    we are comforted by the hope that
    ‘this too shall pass’ and
    someday we will be left with wonderful memories.
    after the feelings have leveled out,
    we will remember – we were loved.

    imperfect love, though it was,
    still sincere and true
    with the best of intentions
    he reached out

    looking forward to hugging your neck
    and feeling the comfort of sisters
    in grief together…..”)

  • I felt less grief than I expected after my father died. Because I knew where he was and I knew I would see him again. And that he had done all he reasonably could and had chosen his time to give up and go.

    It’s ok to be relieved. We only see it from this side. If you could see him now you’d probably feel silly about feeling guilty about feeling relieved.