So I’m sitting here with my hair still in last nights pig tails, a cup of steaming coffee and a Nyquil hangover. Friday I pulled a stupid and ended up between a horse trailer wall and a horse. This makes my side hurt. Exacerbated by the hacking, dry cough I’ve been “enjoying” my side hurts MORE now than it should.
But what am I pondering?
It’s a funny animal. There’s the initial grief. The blinding punch in the gut out of nowhere. And then there’s the second guessing kind… Is what I’m feeling acceptable? Genuine?
Am I feeling enough? If I’m not feeling “enough” should I feel guilty?
Leny suffered so terribly the last little while. I know he is dancing with the Father and enjoying his rest. There’s a bit of guilt that I am relieved that he’s gone. I wish I would have had the chance to know him better, as an adult. Most of my precious memories are from childhood, before the Great Upheavals. Or at least prior to my ability to comprehend them.
And then there’s this bittersweet longing for “one more day”… One more joke over the phone. One more, “No, he din’t!!!” conversation. I want to hear that booming laugh and see my sister roll her eyes.
I know. It’s not all about me…
But, well, grief kinda is. All about the unique and very creative ways G-d has given us to cope and to reconcile a separation that cannot be sorted this side of eternity.