On Dec 31, 2006, I said” I look out toward 2007 with some trepidation.”. I contemplated the year ahead and said, “I don’t know how it will all pan out. I pray my life will be characterized more by my obedience than by my failures to obey.” I finally concluded with, “I can’t see quite as clearly as I have in the past. This year more than any other all I can think is we need to pray.”I had no idea what all that meant and looking back a year later, I was right in all the ways I didn’t anticipate. All I will say is the repercussions from the events of this year will ring for a few years to come.
2007 was quite the year for our family. We’ve had to face some pretty huge obstacles both individually and as a group. We’ve seen relationships go through the fire and seen what stayed in the ash heap and what was preserved. What was refined and what was destroyed. We’ve learned some pretty harsh lessons about expectations and hopes and knowing the difference.
I’ve been blessed with a new niece, Ryleigh (whom I’ve not seen yet) and a new nephew, Rueben (I’ve seen him twice). My niece got married and now, I believe, her life is in danger from a very sick man. My brother’s MS is not getting better and it wouldn’t surprise me if he ended up in wheelchair soon. I hope they move back to the area. It would help them both to not be in the environment they have found themselves in.
My husband’s sister almost died, her 15 year old daughter is pregnant and his parents have pretty much written us oti of their lives. I think it’s all me as they don’t understand or like me. Of course, I could just be paranoid. Unfortunately, after 14 years, I know I’m not.
Personally, I’ve learned I can cope and function during a crisis at a much higher level than I previously believed. That is encouraging. I’ve also learned I can shut the door to my heart and hold it closed with much more strength and determination than I ever believed possible. That’s not.
I’m learning that while all the usual suspects will disappoint you, it’s the unusual suspects who will devastate you. I’ve learned who my armor bearers are and who my acquaintances should be. I’m learning that there are many people in my life who care only about what I can offer them or add to their lives. There aren’t very many who actually care about me or my well-being. I’m inspired to become the person who truly cares about the others and doesn’t fall into the trap of entitlement. I am recognizing, deeply, what a I do and do not deserve. (read Naval Gazing for a synopsis.)
I don’t know what 2008 holds. The number “8” is the number of new beginnings and I’m not certain I can handle something new. I went into 2007 reflective and hopeful. I am completing 2007 broken and afraid. I’m working outside our home. Something I haven’t done in 12 years. We’re looking for a serious change in occupation. Something we haven’t done in 9 years. And we are praying harder for direction and guidance than we have ever. While G-d seems silent in this area, we will simply continue one foot in front of the other. Until we can’t.
Looking forward is hard for me right now. I don’t care what an entire year holds.
I’m hoping to make it through the week.