… is not here.
Just live-blogging my issues. You are welcome to sit back and enjoy the ride of my nuerosis.
I’m feeling intro and retrospective. Yuck. I don’t want to. I’m trying to finish The Story and it’s killing me. I’ll write for a few minutes and then find myself looking for jobs in the legal/paralegal section on Craigslist (although I have NO job skills for that profession) or stalking, er, reading up on my “friends” on Facebook or picking a fight with the Mr. or… Well, you name it. I even opted to do dishes and organize cookbooks rather than write this next and final segment.
In fact, I am sitting here writing about it and how much I don’t want to instead of actually writing it right now! Ha. How’s that for ironic?
Avoidance issues? I got ‘em. Yep. That would be me. Over here NOT looking at the elephant in the room.
I’m trying to figure out why. Usually, no matter how much I despise the task once I jump in I will just push through until it’s done. I hate having something To Do hanging over my head.
What am I afraid of? Am I afraid? Am I just disgusted so deeply by the final acts of malice and destruction toward not only myself but more importantly my beloved Mr. I can hardly process those last few months, weeks and days?
Maybe it’s because I am sifting through email correspondence we had kept from that time. Kept. That makes it sound intentional. We just quit using that particular email address and so those emails stayed on the top and are there for the sifting. It’s been enlightening to see them again from a distance. Relative distance. More like kissing cousins.
I know… EWWW gross!!!! And there’s a lot of that “eww gross” feeling going on as we read again those hurtful and damaging words. Or the declarations of love and relationship while, as we now know, they were working diligently to destroy us by whatever means necessary.
All in good Christian love, though. All in good Christian love. If you have ever worked in an office where the malice, gossip and undermining was appalling it will never compare to the lengths good Christians will go to as they try to protect their own interests, their positions or even something as simple as a point of view.
We’re not a pretty Bride and most definitely not without spot or wrinkle. I wonder what it will take to get even some of the Body ready for the day when we meet our Groom?
There is a lot of evaluating going on over here. A lot. Who do I invest in? Who do I keep at an arms length because I have deemed myself unable to maintain a safe distance from them or they have not proven themselves as “friendlies”. If you know what I mean.
Just last night as I pondered a recent conversation I “saw” yet another layer peel away and I was shocked I hadn’t seen it sooner! Revelation = responsibility, you know. So now what!?!?!
Good grief. I think I need medication.
Seriously though… When one day you start connecting dots and adding up scattered thought processes you can either close your eyes and pretend that you didn’t just see what you saw or you can look it straight in the face, evaluate it and then live according to the truth you have seen.
Or you can go look for jobs on Craigslist.
I know what I’m going to do.
I think I look good with smart glasses and a legal pad.