Let’s face it. Sometimes life is a crap shoot.
You aim for good, end up at mediocre, and somehow have to be satisfied because the moment is gone and, well, you’re just sitting there with bbq chip dust on your jeans and a sinking feeling you just blew three days of exercise.
Or maybe it’s just me.
I am a terrible “second guesser”. I have a friend that I think it annoys. Which is fine. I don’t necessarily exist to serve at the pleasure of everyone in my life.
Still I do find it excruciatingly difficult to release what minuscule control I may believe I hold over the situations and circumstances in my life. To just let go and trust that the Lord will fill in where I prove inadequate.
I talked to a friend recently in a store. She shared some heaviness that was on her heart and I tried to be the friend I would want if our roles were reversed.
She told me later that, in the last 6 years, I’ve become softer. Kinder. Less angst.
Which, though it felt good at first, caused me to begin questioning…
Was I “harsh” before? Have I been tempered by love or by life? One bringing life and one crushing the life out of me.
That’s a good thing, right? To be less, um, angst-y? It doesn’t mean I’ve lost passion does it?
Over. Thinking. Much?
Second guesser. That is me.
It is mid-way through the month of Elul, we are broaching the horizon of the Fall Feasts and looking at the New Year quickly approaching. My Mr. turns 44 and we school in earnest.
But this time, the month of Elul, while being a sweet time of drawing near to the Lord and preparing ourselves to begin a new year, is also a time of reflection and introspection as we consider the process of Teshuvah. Or repentance. Drawing near. We repent to G-d and make restitution and pleas of forgiveness to our fellow man.
Teshuvah. Such a gentle word for a gut-wrenching process at times.
But this year, though I know I have been far from perfect, I find myself at a loss. There is no one to whom I sense the Spirit, the Ruach Ha’Kodesh, leading me to make restitution. There are those from whom I eagerly anticipate the time when they have the faith, the courage, the blessing of restoration. But for me?
I’m just snuggled into the armpit of Jesus thrilling in the peace we have found.
Which makes me wonder…
There’s got to be something, right? Am I hard? Bitter? Is He whispering and I just can’t hear it?
I suppose I understand now why it’s so annoying.
It’s all part of learning to trust He’ll get my attention if He needs to. But until then.