The Terrible Constant

November 12, 2012

Have you experienced a moment that was like hitting the “reset” button? Where everything that happens before kind of fades and the blurry future skews even further out of focus?

And the present?  The Right Now of it all is vaguely familiar with all the faces and the names with their expectation of familiarity and comfortable sameness are skewed.

For me?  It’s a terrifying place.   I like my waterfowl aligned precisely in a contiguous orderly sequence.  I like the consistency of uniformity in a few places.

When those few places change?  When not only is my perception of reality changed but my foundational personal truths are challenged I succumb to an anxiety that seems to always lurk.

I withdraw.  I shutter the windows and bar the doors.  I pore over my new pieces of information to see if they can fit within the paradigm I have created or if there are parts of me which require change in order to accommodate this latest revelation.

Frankly, I begin to question my own worth and purpose when my constants reveal themselves to be fundamentally different than the obvious delusion I have built around them to fortify a waning affection or mismatched partnership of ideals and vision.

It is not my nature to stop.  To contemplate and to wait for the opportune moment. At my core I am impetuous and decisive with little margin or patience for the turtle.

“Good things come to those who wait” slips its way past my insecurities to settle into my heart as an uneasy truce is made between my pragmatic, analytic side and the anxiety that maintains an ever ready battle stance.

Oh, Lord,  help me to wait on You for these changes are tearing me apart.

  • Doom

    Every other day, it seems, I find myself there. Partially because my memory can be… tweaky, partially because my anatomy can be in distress, I find myself lost and alone in a world no one can visit. Where truth is fuzz, the sun is a plague, and life hurts in it’s many ways. Puzzling through it, finally, is just something of a Zen thing. Be. Just BE. Be right where you are, as you are. So I AM, until the pieces begin to fit again. Usually right back to the way it was, go figure.

    I wish I could give you some of my Zen, it does work. But without constant practice, in my case through accident and incident of health, it… can be difficult. It is always difficult, for example, when I am well for months, then get hit. Just… BE. Breath, eat, void, do, the rest will tend itself, and those who need and want you will help you fill that role. Again, just BE.