Thoughts | Until I'm Done

This is your Captain speaking…

March 14, 2009

We’re in a holding pattern.  And I ‘m trying to be ok with it.

There’s something completely surreal about this place we have found ourselves.  I don’t look like me anymore and we don’t respond to life the way we did even six months ago.

Instead?

We are waiting.  Again.   For an answer, a direction?  I don’t know.

I am an emotional onion.  The more I peel the more I cry and the more I cry the less there is of me to go around.   I want to blame it on someone.  The man with the alter  ego is usually where I want to start but I truly can’t blame him for the decisions I made.

Doesn’t help me understand at all.

It’s been almost a year.   Since, well, y’know…. I lost my faith in the fellowship of the Body corporate.   The Body singular and I are doing fine.   It’s the Body Corporate that  scares the hell out of me.

I thought I could settle into a life as normal routine.   Comfy on the edges.    But then circumstances shuffled themselves and we “saw” something.  Something we couldn’t ignore and something that leaves us once again.

Just hanging.   And waiting.

I can’t say anticipating because that’s not where I am either.   I don’t think either of us are.  My husband and I.

I am finding I am less needy for answers than I was 6 months ago and much more inclined to just be still without lookin ahead.  Beyond tomorrow and the mountain of laundry that mocks me from the laundry room.

We will take one step at a time.  I know I have plenty to work on in my own heart during this time.  Plenty of self-discipline’s to implement.   I don’t know where I’m headed.   I can’t go back.  I can’t un-know the things that I have seen and the absolute wrong-ness of spiritual abuse that I have endured, survived…  Been rescued from.

A long time ago, when I was much too young to understand, people did bad things to me.    I learned as a very small child what it was to be a commodity.   I didn’t know until I was much older that I had intrinsic value.  Simply because I was created in the image of G-d.   Just as you have intrinsic value.   I believed, mistakenly, I had to give up something of myself, of my dreams, hopes, ambitions in order to be recognized or included.  Valued.

Three years at That Place reinforced that twisted misperception of life.  In ways I believed I was far beyond and completely reconciled to.   Boy, was I wrong.

I know that I know that I know it’s not true.  Not appropriate, acceptable, normal to treat others that way.  Well, for the world, yes.  For the Body,  no.

But here I sit.   In the blue light of a computer monitor while the wind whips around the corners and shakes the pine tree in the window.   It’s 11:21PM and well…

I’m waiting.   On hold.  While G-d continues to work on my heart and salvage my soul.

  • momma dragon

    I know you have heard it all before, but it is so true…
    “they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength”
    I am thinking of you and can appreciate where you have been and what you are going through.
    I have had the opportunity or misfortune – depending on perspective – to step away from committed corperate ‘church’ and I see things differently from this distance.

    I missed the feeling of belonging, a sense of being needed, valued for what I brought to the ‘coming together’.

    Now, I am not so anxious to join just any group of believers, I am much more interested in relationships as opposed to organizations and political views.

    I hesitate to get aquainted when I visit, so as not to have to deal with saying goodbye, when I leave.
    I am waiting, I am being renewed and I still trust that someday I will find that place of worship where I can belong, be valued and contribute – until then I hope I am not too impatient.
    It has been 6 years…….
    I hope you do not have to wait that long.

  • momma dragon

    I know you have heard it all before, but it is so true…
    “they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength”
    I am thinking of you and can appreciate where you have been and what you are going through.
    I have had the opportunity or misfortune – depending on perspective – to step away from committed corperate ‘church’ and I see things differently from this distance.

    I missed the feeling of belonging, a sense of being needed, valued for what I brought to the ‘coming together’.

    Now, I am not so anxious to join just any group of believers, I am much more interested in relationships as opposed to organizations and political views.

    I hesitate to get aquainted when I visit, so as not to have to deal with saying goodbye, when I leave.
    I am waiting, I am being renewed and I still trust that someday I will find that place of worship where I can belong, be valued and contribute – until then I hope I am not too impatient.
    It has been 6 years…….
    I hope you do not have to wait that long.

  • AJW308

    Biblicaly, deserts have been a time of rest, learning, and preparation. Continue to grow your faith.

  • AJW308

    Biblicaly, deserts have been a time of rest, learning, and preparation. Continue to grow your faith.