Thoughts on How to Be A Woman…

April 16, 2011

Being a woman is far more than just rocking the XX chromosome or finding the perfect push up bra.   Being a woman is a series of choices that develops a certain persona, a distinguishable and definable character.

Being female is a matter of genetic destiny.  I truly was “born this way”.   And without apology, I’m thankful for the masterful hands of a Creator who designed me.

Being a woman?  Growing beyond girlhood and into the strength and purpose of that design?

That’s the crux of the matter.  The crossroads where many females will simply either fail to look ahead, avoid the choice for they fear the responsibility inherent or find themselves crushed by unrealistic expectations. Their own and others.

In a world where men are godly and women are too there would be no need for “Game” or strategic manipulations as we seek to impress our will and desires on the behavior of others while excusing our own behavior as necessary evils.

I can’t speak, with alacrity, to what defines a man.  I recognize him when I see him and appreciate his clear gaze, the strength of his vision and the confidence of one who understands his position and doesn’t need the adulation or affirmation of others to define him. I can appreciate a man’s superior strength, determination for reason and logic and his natural ability to lead.  To step out in front and walk boldly where we girls quibble and argue.

I appreciate the differences between men and women and it is only the men who reduce themselves to an emotional mimicry of the worst female characteristics by sniveling, manipulation, lying and allowing themselves the indulgence of wallowing in self-pity.

These are men whom I find, well, disgusting.

But I can only recognize what I see.  I’m not here to tell men how to BE the kind of men I admire.

I am here to speak to women, to offer my words in an effort to define for us what kind of women we should be.

We should be the kind of women for whom Game is null.  We should be thoughtful, wise and devoted to righteous behavior.

That doesn’t mean we wear a nun’s habit and are beyond boring.

We are to be women who honor our commitments, who love passionately and fully those with whom we are blessed to interact.

There is a woman who wrote a blog post recently on intimacy. While she received wild applause and kudos from her peanut gallery, I must confess that I found her words appalling.

She spoke on honesty and how, while she has a large family and was overwhelmed on many levels, she had decided to finally quit complaining about sex and actually engage.  To quit grocery shopping in her head while he’s making the moves and actually focus on him.

Wild applause.  Comments overflowed and statements like, “Thanks to you hubs will get some tonight” abounded.


That’s despicable.   It’s feminine arrogance at it’s bible thumping finest. And her “magnificent” endeavor is really no more than the barest minimum required.

I have two close friends and between the three of us we are a smorgasbord of therapy fodder.

Sharla was sexually active at 12, pregnant at 13 and continued a wild and raucous life throughout her teen years until she became a believer.   Her boy turns 21 this summer.   She despises physical touch.   Janine was the beautiful Party Girl. She also, while having a large family, struggles with physical touch to the point that she will do almost anything to avoid it.

Both of these women love their husbands and seek to honor them.  They don’t “holdout”.  But it is a chronic source of contention and a struggle for them to “give it up”.  There is a constant desperation as they seek to work out what it means to love their husbands while being pulled in different directions by the damage of their youth.

Does rampant promiscuity prior to marriage devastate us to the point that we can’t separate the guilt from the behavior?

I was molested for 6 years as a child.   There is one person whose touch I crave.   Fortunately I married him.  But my ability to physically relate to the world at large is heavily damaged.  It took me almost 10 years to finally settle in the belief that he loves me.  Not just what I produce for him. I could do physical intimacy just fine.  Happily so.  I couldn’t give it up emotionally and mentally.  That was always my escape clause.

Does that struggle have any less impact than for my friends who can easily connect emotionally and mentally but have very real issues with the physical?  It’s only an overly simplistic fool who would say that the woman who is sexually available but emotionally and mentally distant is somehow superior to the woman who can give her heart but has a hard time sharing her body.

So, how do I encourage my fellow girls to grow from girlhood to womanhood?

A woman who knows the Word of God is less likely to fall prey to the man who doesn’t.   A woman who obeys the Word she knows won’t be where wolves hunt.

A woman who surrounds herself with older, wiser, godly women will become like them.  A woman surrounded by silly, vain peahens will soon have rationalized their behavior to such a degree that she emulates them without even realizing she has done so.

A woman who keeps herself busy caring for her family, her husband and her spiritual community will not have the time to invest in silly peahens and their like.

Read a book! Scratch that.  Read GOOD books.  Read the classics, the ones with big words and even bigger concepts.  Study reason and logic. Realize that your natural bent toward emotional reaction is just a predilection it is not a handicap unless you allow it to become one.   Mold it to serve your world don’t mold your world to serve your emotions.

Clearly define what your behavior will look like in the situations where you might feel compromised.

I have a clear list of will and won’t clauses.   I will go out to lunch with a friend.  I won’t go out to lunch with a man friend alone.  I will go out to girls night.  I won’t drink when I do.  I will share my life with my friends.  I won’t share their lives with other friends that might be hurtful.  I will call my husband first when I have good news.  I will share my email correspondence with him if I am communicating with another man.  I wear lipstick at home.  He likes it.  I cultivate the things my husband likes.   Even if those things are not on my personal priority list.  That’s why I will go to a women’s bible study with makeup, jewelry and good shoes that match even though I find myself the recipient of female snark because I choose to do so.  I represent my husband and my family.  I am determined to reflect him well.
Yes.  It gets awkward.   Yes, it can feel cumbersome to walk deliberately.

I am commited to becoming a woman of grace, of kindness, of compassion and of integrity.  More than determined.  I am resolute.  Beyond my personal conviction I believe I have a responsibility to my God to honor Him by refusing to settle for what society calls maturity and instead become a woman He would find “precious beyond rubies”.

I’m a work in progress.   I may be precious beyond cubic zirconium at the moment.

  • Doom

    I am not so sure game will not be a part of what will be. If men and women merge into one being through marriage, as God proposes to my understanding, for there to be a oneness, there must be a constant correction of notions. If too, God set men as the head of the household and family, as I understand, then it is mostly women who are required to change or submit. Now, perhaps in heaven then after on the new earth, we will all know where we are to be in that relationship. And yet, I have to think, that one part of being in a holy marriage is to be constantly… questioning, deciding, choosing.

    Don’t get me completely wrong. I think women bring half of the thing to the table. Women, good women, provide a measure of chaos to stagnant calm and are the fire to man’s hearth, making a home both warm and structured when combined.

    Game is part of that reality, if it can be abused. At this time it is abused because everything is on fire. Feminism reigns and will either be controlled or contained, one way or another. With laws against men, avoiding law, marriage, and changing social norms and practices is all that remains to us to this carve our way over, around, or right through the feminist government we are forced to live in.

  • Joelle

    You tripping on something, Doom?

  • Doom

    The notions I have presented aren’t mine. They are found in the only written references I have from the source of wisdom. Perhaps you meant to ask if God is tripping? I can’t answer that.

    For my part of it, suggesting that husband and wife will be at loggerheads from time to time, as they always have been if I am correct, might be supported by the fact that before sin, Adam and Eve had to debate whether to eat of the forbidden fruit. Of course, all this biblical stuff might pale when seen in the light of modernist logic, feminism, and science. Perhaps God is the modern equivalent to Puff the Magic Dragon to you? If so, pay no never mind to what I write or what God suggests or outright says.

    I do trip, but this wouldn’t be it.

  • Maybe we’re not reading the same material, Doom. No debate took place between Adam and Eve over the fruit as per the account given in Genesis. Also, it may be possible that you tend toward stagnant calm and thus seek out women that provide you with chaos, but in my experience, I have not known many men that could be accused of stagnant calm. And, while it is true that the woman has been assigned the role of subordinating her will to that of her husband’s (so far as doing so does not involve disobedience to God), men are required to subordinate their will to that of God’s, which many Christians would probably say requires a great deal more change than that required from a married woman.

  • Doom

    Absolutely, conceivably, Arielle. As for men changing more than woman, I agree totally. We are given strength, intelligence, a will to struggle and contend. Who greater to contend with than God? And yet, for us to be good husbands, we have to surrender all that and… kneel. Without that, women are most likely required to attempt to help that man change. Wow, did I write that? Yep.

    A woman cannot defeat me in combat, in tests of various metrics, or simply in brute will power. However, when she surrenders, I lose my nerve or something. Still, it is tricky for her not to be a doormat and not to attempt to be dominant either. Neither works, for her, me, or God’s will (as I understand things). In there somewhere is nuance, real nuance.

  • Great thoughts on being a woman, Heidi. So much here on so many levels; I may have to come back when I collect my thoughts…