Why am I always inspired about 20 minutes before I go to bed? As if whatever has been percolating in the back of my mind finally has the room to morph into substance and verbiage that resounds in my tired little noggin.
Most of the time I ignore it, which is why nothing ever gets written here any more. It isn’t that I lack blog-fodder it is merely I lack enough time to get it out!
I have a new friend who is part of my New World in education. She’s an unassuming, thoughtful person with three small children and a global media empire. Ok, not really quite that massive but she’s kind of, sort of a big wig for my small world and I am struggling. Not with how to relate to her, she’s easy in that regard. But I want to mine her life for suggestions on how to get one of my dearest and sweetest dreams off the ground.
And yet… I find myself tongue tied and bashful at the thought of sharing such vulnerabilities with her. What if she patronizes me and leads me on when she really wants to tell me my “writing isn’t good enough” or “marketable”. Perhaps there is no interest in the slightly wired musings of a late-30’s homeschooling housewife with no formal education…
One by one the tiny tendrils of what might be slink back into their dark corners until I am left with only the stark reality of an unfinished to-do list, a mountain of laundry and a floor that eternally needs to be vacuumed.
My dreams consumed by the raging inferno of insecurity and busyness.
I have a life filled with good things. Don’t misunderstand the purpose for this little heart to heart. I am grateful for so many opportunities. It is not that I long for more it is that I believe, I hope, I desire a specific thing which I only see in tiny peeks and veiled glimpses.
It is my passion to speak, to write, to share the things burning in my heart. Not announcements and cleaning schedules, discipline issues and chore charts but the very nature of God as He has revealed Himself to me through His word. To share the hope and the comfort which I have received. To challenge any within earshot to pursue excellence, godliness and to not stop until they find the beauty of the purpose for which they’ve been created.
And yet… Those niggling voices of doubt. They eat at me from the inside out.
I am not bold. I am not courageous. I only do what is in front of me and hope it is enough for today. With a somewhat desperate hope that it’s enough.