stretched thin, worn out
sheer in places best left covered
the tapestry unwoven lies in
piles around my feet
That’s how I ‘feel’. Not that I put a lot of credence in feelings. It’s been years since I made any decision based on feelings. Don’t have any plans to start that soon.
I am, well, in a word. Fragile. Good grief that sounded stupid.
I’ll put it another way. My brain isn’t working well. I have an extremely hard time focusing on anything, I want to sleep all day and the slightest change to any plan sends me in a tailspin. I find myself repeating stuff all day long and meeting anyone outside the Circle Of Safety makes me sweat and want to throw up. There have been mornings it’s all I can do just to get out of bed. And then only because I know that there are three incredible guys relying on me to play my part. I just hope I don’t let them down.
I am not well.
And I’m humiliated to admit it.
Perhaps acceptance is the first step. Hi, I’m Heidi and I’m a train-wreck.
Sorry, is that too raw? Ok, not sorry.
One of the things I am relishing in the quagmire I find myself in is this. I have no obligations to the niceness required in Real Life. If I don’t want to smile and nod? I don’t. There’s no one close enough to matter. Well, not here in the day to day. If I don’t want to go? I don’t. If I don’t want to answer the phone, wear a pretty smile, dress up for church… I’m sure you get my drift.
I don’t have to perform like some idiot monkey for the masses because, well? There are no masses. I have faded into the background and it’s divine to be here.
I missed being a wallflower. It’s my favorite place to be.
Except when I realize how dependent that makes me on the Mr. and my boys. Then I cringe.
This is just season, right? I’ll get past this? Find something to offer to someone, somewhere, somehow? Something beyond cynicism and sarcasm?
I have become Ministry and it rankles. Makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
Here I am.