Thoughts

Unwoven

October 14, 2008

stretched thin, worn out

sheer in places best left covered

the tapestry unwoven lies in

piles around my feet

That’s how I ‘feel’.  Not that I put a lot of credence in feelings.  It’s been years since I made any decision based on feelings.  Don’t have any plans to start that soon.

I am, well, in a word.  Fragile.  Good grief that sounded stupid.

I’ll put it another way.   My brain isn’t working well.   I have an extremely hard time focusing on anything, I want to sleep all day  and the slightest change to any plan sends me in a tailspin.  I find myself repeating stuff all day long and meeting anyone outside the Circle Of Safety makes me sweat and want to throw up.  There have been mornings it’s all I can do just to get out of bed.   And then only because I know that there are three incredible guys relying on me to play my part.  I just hope I don’t let them down.

I am not well.

And I’m humiliated to admit it.

Perhaps acceptance is the first step.   Hi, I’m Heidi and I’m a train-wreck.

Sorry, is that too raw?  Ok, not sorry.

One of the things I am relishing in the quagmire I find myself in is this.   I have no obligations to the niceness required in Real Life.   If I don’t want to smile and nod?  I don’t.   There’s no one close enough to matter.   Well, not here in the day to day.    If I don’t want to go?  I don’t.  If I don’t want to answer the phone, wear a pretty smile, dress up for church… I’m sure you get my drift.

I don’t have to perform like some idiot monkey for the masses because, well?  There are no masses.  I have faded into the background and it’s divine to be here.

I missed being a wallflower.   It’s my favorite place to be.

Except when I realize how dependent that makes me on the Mr. and my boys.   Then I cringe.

This is just season, right?   I’ll get past this?   Find something to offer to someone, somewhere, somehow?   Something beyond cynicism and sarcasm?

I have become Ministry and it rankles.   Makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

And yet….

Here I am.

Unwoven.  Undone.

Afraid.

  • sheer in places best left covered
    I don’t think guys will take this the way you intended it…
    I want to sleep all day
    I have kids too, you’re normal, don’t worry…

    Some time ago, long ago, I realized I didn’t have to be nice to everyone. Took some getting used to, but emotionally, I believe it is healthier. Stand your ground, avoid those who you should avoid, love those who are lovable and don’t forget yourself.

    The Israelites wandered the wilderness partially as punishment, but it was also a time of preparation, rest, and learning. Don’t forget the Lords hand is on you at this time.

    On the flip side, if the author of this hardship is a cast out liar, don’t accept it. I know that you are stronger than you believe yourself to be, but that is not where I place my faith that you will overcome this. I know that you are with the One who has already defeated the fallen liar and with that knowledge, I know my prayers for you and your family will be heard.